The Path To Hate
by alizabethianrose
Summary: Punk is in love with his best friend, yet instead of happily ever after he chooses the path that brings him to the brink of insanity. Broken , hollow and ready to give in, he learns how to truly hate, yet more importantly he learns that love in not blind it is just is able to forgive even when you can't forgive yourself. Slash Colt/Punk Punk/Raven
1. Chapter 1

I do not own anyone in this story the ideas presented are for entertainment only. The people in this story belong to themselves or the WWE, though what I wouldn't give to own Punk or Colt for just a few hours. Warning this is a slash story meaning gay male pairings. If that is not your idea of fun, hot, or sexy run now. If you have come here to bitch me out in a review about how slash is wrong or some other nonsense save your breath I don't care. I love reviews so feel free to leave them. Warnings this is a dark story deals with very strong adult themes and abuse. If you are uncomfortable with that please don't read this. Please review!

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I am in love with my best friend it really is as simple as that. When I came to this realization I am not positive. It kind of was just there one day and I had to learn to accept it. I am in love but I have never said the words to him. I've tried but the words always get stuck in my throat so instead I watch him longingly hoping one day he just may notice me in the way I want him too. It never happens though instead I watch him go through a never-ending parade of men, and when he does find himself in a relationship my self-esteem takes a hit. Those around me go running for the hills unaware of my misplaced anger, they just know I become a bigger jerk then I already end and my mood swings become increasingly erratic they blame it on my insomnia, and I allow them to believe this. See there are times when I think he could feel the same when it's just the two of us and we are watching a movie and his hand brushed mine, or when I catch him staring at me but it doesn't last long and I am back in hell.

I'm pushing him away now, he knows it, I know it hell everyone knows it, they are chalking it up to how much time we spend together wrestling, training, in cars, on the road. Sleeping together on floors, in hotel rooms, cramped into those damn cars my head on his shoulder breathing him in. I hate those cars, those cheap hotel beds, those hard floors where I end up using him as a pillow. I hate him for not noticing, for being oblivious, for holding me as we fall asleep. Yet I love him more for holding me, for taking care of me, for making me laugh when all I want to do is tell the world to go fuck itself. Does he not see what he is doing to me, that he is tearing me apart that Colt Cabana is my down fall. I am determined now to stop caring about him as anything more than a friend really what choice do I have when his current boyfriend doesn't seem to be going anywhere fast. In fact I would say Colt actually cares about this jerk, and oh how does that piss me off.

His boyfriend is not a bad guy or so I've been told, I have never gone out of my way to have a conversation with him. That would mean talking to Colt and right now if it isn't wrestling related I am not talking to him. Colt has just learned to accept these periods of our friendship and is waiting for me to come around well wouldn't hold your breath on that one Colt I am never talking to you again, I need to get you out of my system so I am going cold turkey no Colt period, ever, well until he gets rid of this guy at least. I know I am being irrational and unfair, but hey no one said life was fair and being rational is boring so I will just stick with the current plan.

See what kills me the most right now is that when we return from another trip I go home alone to my tiny shoebox of an apartment and he goes home to whats his name and they do god knows what to each other. They do stuff I would really like Colt to do to me, because although I have never been with a man and only had a few awkward encounters with chicks in my teen years Colt is a whore, I have heard about his numerous encounters too many times and I am over it. I'm saving myself for the right person, to be in a committed relationship, saving myself for Colt. Maybe I need to just let that go and become like him and sleep around would that help get him out of my system faster? Probably not, and I am unlikely due to my beliefs to ever sleep around. You see I am straight edge, which means I don't do drugs, I don't drink, I don't have promiscuous sex, and I am better than you. Okay so maybe not better than you but that is my gimmick so I try to live it.

Why is my brain so obsessed with Colt right now, maybe because I am stuck at a bar nursing a Pepsi while my friends get smashed and I wait to drive their stupid asses home. Motherfuckers dragged me here and now I am stuck watching Colt and his boyfriend make out on the dance floor, as they play some techno crap I can't stand. I glance around the bar locating my friends to make sure they are not initiating any riots that usually I would enjoy taking part of but tonight I just want to get back to the shoebox so I can get up early to head out for a run before the next road trip begins. Trapped in a car for hours with Colt not speaking to him should be delightful, that's sarcasm for those who don't know. I see no one is causing a problem and go back to my Pepsi watching Colt out of the corner of my vision his hand sliding places I wish he would touch me. I jump when someone sits beside of me calling my name. "Punk, hey kid, Punk!" I turn to the voice and see the man I can not stand, a man I find to be the exact opposite of everything I believe in, who threw everything I am working towards away to get wasted. I think about ignoring him and going back to my Pepsi but that just means more Colt watching so I reluctantly respond.

"Raven, do you need something?" I can smell the alcohol on his breath as he leans in closer at my acknowledgment of his existence, something I normally only do if we have to work together. He reaches out and runs a finger along my cheek and I pull away quickly thinking what the hell.

"Eyelash I got it, here make a wish" he holds his finger out to me with the offensive lash I stare at him and he just waits so I reluctantly blow it away wishing that Colt's boyfriend would drop dead, either that or Raven would go the fuck away. Neither happens and I curse the fates that made me give in and come to this ridiculous place to be a babysitter. "You look upset, or bored wanna talk about it I'm a good listener. You could leave if you want I can drive everyone home." I snort and find myself shaking my head, yeah the man can't stand on his own feet but I am suppose to let him drive my best friends home, not likely Colt would be in that car and I would curl up and die if anything ever happened to him.

"I'm fine Raven, enjoying my Pepsi and no way in hell can you drive anyone home so just forget that idea ever popped into your idiotic brain." Raven studies me so I just raise the glass in front of me to my lips and take a long drink hoping he will get bored and wander off. Instead he grabs my hand and I almost drop the glass spilling the liquid on my jeans, next thing I know Raven is wiping my pants in a rather sensitive area with a napkin and I am blushing as my body reacts against my will. I push his hand away and go to walk away he grabs my hand away and looks at me. "What the hell do you want?" I snap and the next thing I know he is dragging me to the dance floor and he is wrapped around me and I am not resisting though I should be but it feels so good to have someone touching me and it not being in the ring. I should walk away instead I dance with him, not just for one song for several my body wrapping around him on its own accord, because my brain is screaming for me to run away that this couldn't end well. He is touching me in ways I would normally not allow but I just go with the flow and notice Colt sending concerned looks my way several times but that just makes it better at least he is noticing me.

The music is still pumping, but by now I am covered with sweat so I inform Raven I need a breather and he nods I didn't expect him to follow me outside to the parking lot but he does. I lean against the car listening as he lights a cigarette and offers one to me I just shake my head, I've tried smoking and don't like it so that's a big no. I stare at the stars counting them aimlessly, I heard a fact once that to count all the stars in the milky way it would take you 2000 years so apparently it can't be done but I am doing my best at the moment to prove them wrong. Raven moves closer and I tense thinking I may have to punch him in the face soon, and that would be a shame because he is attractive in a bad boy type of way. He says my name a few times and I ignore him determined to count stars, he grabs my hand and I look down quickly he is standing right in front of me and I am trapped between the car and his body. His body to close to mine, our noses practically touching and I clench my hand ready to shove the drunk man away, before I know it though I am stunned his lips had brushed mine in a gentle caress he had just kissed me and I wasn't totally repulsed, granted it wasn't Colt but it wasn't the worse thing I ever experienced either. I unclenched my fist and reached out grabbing a hold of the front of his t-shirt balling my hand into the fabric. He looked smug, but unsure I'm pretty sure he thought a punch was coming not that plenty people hadn't punched him in his day my brain was screaming to punch the smirk off his face but my brain was not in control probably hadn't been for a while I was running on pure emotions lately and if something felt good I was sure in hell going to explore it more so I yanked him closer and kissed him again.

When his tongue ran along my lips I granted him access and he took full advantage kissing me roughly, his hands all over my body and I closed my eyes and just felt the pleasure he was causing my body, my hands looped around his neck and I kept him close as one kiss turned into two and then three, his hands under my shirt stroking the skin causing a fire to start to build. His leg pressed in between mine and I widened my stance as he pressed his thigh into my erection his hand slid down across my stomach and under the front of my jeans his fingers brushing the tip of my erection. I should stop this I knew that after all waiting all this time for Colt and I was going to just give it up in a parking lot of some dive bar with a guy who probably wouldn't remember it tomorrow. My brain was protesting so loudly my body almost listened, almost instead it ran on instinct and arched into the hand now stroking me. A hand that felt so much better than my own, and seemed to know exactly what to do to make me moan as I was doing a lot of that against Raven's mouth. I didn't know how far he wanted to take this, or how far I would let it go but damn if either of us were stopping. I was quickly becoming addicted to his taste that had at first repulsed me, smokey and stale beer mixed together across my tongue as he explored. I turned my head to breath and he attacked my neck, sucking licking biting leaving marks I was sure I felt his hand fumbling with something beside me and him curse. "Keys do you have the keys?" I nodded and pushed him away long enough to drag the car keys from my pocket, it took him a minute to open the door but then I am pushed onto the backseat and his weight is pressed on to me.

We made out like teenagers for a while him never pushing it to go further though if he had I wouldn't have stopped him I needed this, him on top of me was soothing the way that he touched me felt so good it made me dizzy. He was tugging at my jeans finally deciding to take it to another level when there was a knock at the window that I really wanted to ignore Raven glanced over my head and took a deep breath. "Its Colt want me to get rid of him?" The name was like ice water to my veins and I pushed Raven away sliding from the car trying to hide my embarrassment, and my erection. My arm is caught in a vice grip and I am dragged away from Raven. I winced and tried to pry off the hand that was most definitely bruising my arm wondering what the hell his problem is and where his boy toy is, what is his damn name Matt? Mark? Mike? Oh who the hell cares! He drags me to where my friends are huddled and I know I get redder at their looks, why am I blushing I wonder that is not who I am so I get angry quickly and turn on jerk mode.

"What the hell" I snap at Colt shoving his hand away none to gently and rub my arm "I am having fun and you just have to drag me away nice cock blocking thanks guys I am a grown adult in case you haven't noticed, stop looking at me like that. I'm leaving if you want a ride home get your ass in gear. You better go find Marshall or I'm leaving his ass." Yes I know his name but once again who the hell cares not me I only spoke to Colt to bitch him out. Joe, Ace, and Homicide follow me to the car I get in gripping the steering wheel tight Raven is still reclined in the back and raises an eyebrow at me I really want to punch him, or whoever invited him he is not a normal addition to the group. They all pile in and I look at Colt who is in the passenger seat with no sign of his boyfriend I raise an eyebrow and he gives me a look that said just drive. They had another fight obviously but I don't get my hopes up they will be back together in the morning and my life will still be hell. Instead I glance at Raven and ask where he is staying.

"With you" he states and I don't respond just beginning to drive, no one says a word on the ride to their house I drop Colt off first needing him out of the car.

My best friend glared as they pulled out of the apartment spitting out "a don't be stupid" before exiting the car slamming the door behind him I watched as he stormed into his apartment building and glanced at my friends.

"What the hell is his problem?" No one answered me and that was frustrating what had happened in the bar when I had gone out for some fresh air I wondered. I dropped off Joe and Homicide at their hotel and headed for Ace's home the radio still the only thing making noise I could feel Raven watching me and damn if that was not making me nervous. We pulled up outside Ace's apartment and he didn't get out looking at me and then Raven he finally gave me a quick nod and I sighed great he feels the need to talk just what I needed. I undid my seat belt and told Raven I would be right back. I followed Ace around to the side of the building looking at him. "What it's late your drunk and I am fucking tired I would like to go home and try to get some sleep as pointless as that is."

"What are you thinking? You know his reputation we all do, he is a user not just of drugs but people. Hell I've heard that he is abusive to his partners, you can't save him or transform him into some better guy. If you plan on bringing him back to your place you are not going to sleep and is that what you want? I may be drunk but I'm not stupid or blind is this about Colt? Just talk to him already you may be surprised at what you learn, Marshall took off tonight because Colt was freaking out that you left with Raven so just drop off the guy and go back to Colt's" I blinked at him pissed off that he was talking about Colt my Colt and implying I could have more it would never happen. I've already decided I don't do well in relationships they are a bit of a train wreck. People get clingy and I get distant, I am also a jealous ass may be because of trust issues stemming from my childhood at least that is what my high school girlfriend informed me off when she dumped me. So even if Colt felt remotely the way I do it didn't matter, it is never ever going to work.

"What I do or don't fucking do with Raven and where he ends up tonight is no one's business but my own. I'm not stupid I've heard the rumors but I'm not one to believe rumors unless I see it first hand for all I know he could be a great guy. I am not trying to save him, it's a little late for that he already threw his whole fucking life away, maybe I just want a little fun for a change. Colt and I are off-limits I don't care what you assume you are wrong dead wrong, so just leave it. Get inside and pass out, I will see you tomorrow if I decided to pick any of you up for the trip." With that I stormed back to the car getting in Raven had moved to the passenger seat and was smoking in my car something I normally do not allow but I never said a word just started the engine I waited til Ace got inside and looked at Raven. "I'm going to be very blunt I have never been with a guy, it is not something I am opposed too it just has never happened. I have a belief system and one night stands are not an option, so if you want to go back to my apartment and fuck me and never speak to me again just give me the name of your hotel and I will drop you off." Raven was staring at me again with that smirk, a smirk I deemed smug and crazy at the same time yet some how sexy. I watched as he leaned over and shivered when he licked the side of my neck his hand squeezing my crotch.

"Never said it was a one time thing, so you're a virgin we will take it slow. Trust me you will enjoy it, tonight, tomorrow many times. You want a relationship that's defined fine here you go. Feel free to tell people we are dating, hell you want it exclusive I'll do that but just so we are clear that means no pining after Colt anymore, you are mine and this body is mine whenever I want it. So put the damn car in drive before I pull you into the back seat and you lose your cherry there." I clenched the wheel tighter my little speech is suppose to scare him away instead he hands me what I have been looking for on a silver platter I just wonder if there are stings attached. I do as he asks though driving to my apartment trying to not be distracted by the hand molesting me as I did so.

I stand awkwardly in the door way of my shoe box, it's basically a bedroom/living room/ kitchen combo with a bathroom. I could afford better if I wanted but I'm seldom here so there is no real need but at the moment it embarrass me he most likely has a nice home and I've got shoebox. I can see him do a quick sweep and then sit on my bed and I swallow hard. He sprawls out making himself comfortable and pats the mattress beside him, I walk over stiffly and sit down, jumping as he strokes his hand along my spine. "Relax Punk I don't bite, unless you want me too. Take off your shirt" I comply tossing the dare t-shirt into the hamper beside the bed his hand continues to stroke my back his other hand massaging the sore muscles off my shoulder he places a light kiss on my neck and I realize he is sitting up behind me and suddenly I have questions and my mind turns itself back on so I swing around to face him.

"Why, why me? Why do you want me? How can you so easily say you will be in a relationship with someone you barely know that's crazy!" Raven laughs and pulls me forward so my legs are straddling his lap and I can feel his hardness against my own. This almost washes away the need for answers I have almost but not completely.

"Why not you? You are intelligent, sarcastic, a royal pain in the ass, antisocial, funny and my complete opposite in most ways but you arouse me, you make me feel things I haven't in a while. You challenge me and I happen to enjoy a good challenge. You have a great body, I like the blonde hair though like it better with purple or blue. I've watched you for a while and wouldn't just agreed to dating you if I didn't think it would be a match made in hell, I am crazy that's been well documented if you want out of this tell me know because the next time I kiss you I am not stopping until I'm satisfied and you are sweaty and exhausted. Make up your mind Punk I'm not Colt I won't play games, and wait forever for you to gather your courage." I'm at a loss for words which happens never I have no quick comeback or asshole comment, I hate this man did I mention that but here I am contemplating diving head first into a relationship with him. My brain also won't make up its mind one side of me is saying to kick him out, another wants me to do this but for purely selfish reasons if Colt is concerned that I left the bar with him, how would he react if I was dating him, fucking him because it wouldn't be about love or romance it would be about fucking. Maybe just maybe this would catch Colt's attention if I am not waiting around for him, hoping for a glance or a touch if I for once was a fucking puppy waiting for praise from him to be happy. I nod before I realize I'm doing it and his lips slam onto mine.

When I said this was about fucking I had no clue how right I was going to be. There were no sweet words or gentleness in either of us, clothes are scattered and I was on my back underneath him before my brain caught on and started pouting, stupid brain. He was inside of me before I knew it and the pain that laced up my back was intense, his hand stroking me was the only thing that kept me from deciding this was a horrible idea. He was moving inside of me, and it was nothing like I imagined at first until he changed his angle and my body caught fire. With every stroke I was seeing mini fireworks and my brain was now purring in pleasure, or was that my mouth I'm not sure. I just know I was moving with him and begging for more. Harder, faster deeper, I wanted it all in that moment knowing I would most likely regret this tomorrow but damn it I was living for the fucking moment. I wasn't long before we laid in a sweaty heap, my cum coating our stomachs, his cum leaking from me and the smirk back on his face. HE slid from the bed and I wondered if this is when he left told me it was a big joke, instead he got a wash cloth from the bathroom cleaning both of our bodies before returning to the bed and making me the little spoon, apparently he was a cuddler who the hell would have guessed that one. An exhaustion seeped into my bones and I found myself able to sleep for the first time in days a small smile on my lips.

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A pounding on my front door woke me up and I squinted against the brightness of the room, I felt a weight across my back and pushed it away only after realizing it is Raven's arm. He had stayed I had almost figured he would be gone in the morning. Speaking of morning it was not morning, in fact it was after one and we were suppose to be on the road by nine. Damn it I sigh and grab a pair of shorts rushing to the door wincing slightly at the movement. Yanking open the door I am greeted by a pissed off Ace. He glanced behind me and I tried to restrict his view but the frown told me he had already seen the naked man sprawled across my bed,. "I've been nominated to come get your ass since it is so fucking late and we have a long ride ahead of us. Get your shit together pronto, wake up lover boy and get the fuck outside. Give me your fucking keys" he snapped at me and I knew already it was going to be a very long trip I quickly found my jeans giving him the car keys. I woke Raven up who pulled me down into a kiss and attempted more but I was sore and my friends are pissed enough. By the time we got outside the car is loaded and people have already chosen seats. Ace was driving, Joe is shot gun which left me in the back between Colt and Raven awkward would be an understatement right now.

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I hadn't spoken with Colt for two damn weeks, he ignored me every time I tried. Most of my friends were being distance since the whole Raven thing started, the thing is Raven has been nothing but nice, kind, and amazing in bed he had taken me out a few times. Though mostly we spent time in bed he is teaching me ways to use my body that I had never imagined before. We are currently in his home and he is making breakfast, I'm in the living room and debating on calling Colt, instead I end up texting him, asking if he wanted to hang out on Thursday night I would be in Chicago and Raven had a thing here in Philly so I'd be free. I waited for a response staring at my phone intently, hoping that he would say yes. The phone is snatched from my hand and I look up as Raven reads over my messages, hello invasion of privacy. I stand and reached for the phone and he grabs my wrist squeezing painfully. "You are really stupid aren't you Phillip, do you think you can have both of us and I won't care? The first time we aren't together you run to him. Were you going to spread your legs and show him everything I taught you like a good little whore, because that is what you are a whore to him if he gave a fuck about you he'd stop running around with the whole world." To say I am pissed well hello understatement I'm not just pissed I'm hurt and incensed how the fuck dare he. I hate this man have I mention that I am sure I have.

"You fuckin ass, you know that is not how Colt and I are. I wanted to hang out as friends not that it is any of your concern, at least not anymore just give me my fucking phone and I will leave if you think so little of me. You can take your ego and shove it, I'm better than this anyways, way better than you" I say this knowing he will react I just didn't expect the reaction I received. A fist to the jaw sends me to the floor in shock, and my hands are covering my face as punches rain down on me when it stops the anger is gone replaced by regret and fear. My phone id dropped onto the floor and he tells me to get the hell out. I don't have to be told twice and I gather my shit and leave never planning on returning. I sit in my car trying to get my bleeding lip to stop when my phone goes off, its Colt's ring tone so I grab it needing to talk to him. It's a response to my text and I feel a strange pain in my chest. _I'm busy on Thursday, plus aren't you too busy fucking Raven for your friends just leave me the hell alone_ I reread it many times finding it hard to breath. There is a knock on his window and I look up slowly rolling down the glass I takes the ice pack in Raven's hand listening to his apologizes. I leave the car returning inside for breakfast. I hate this man I think, yet I don't really hate him or I would leave somewhere along the line I started falling for him and that puts me in dangerous territory. He promises to never hit me again and I believe the lie its easier to swallow when your best friend just turned his back, when your heartbroken and Raven is all you have.

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**I hope you enjoyed this story, it is eventual Punk/Colt but they both need to get over some issues first. To the Raven fans I am sorry I needed a bad guy and he plays one so well, I hope to find some sort of happy ending for him in this but not sure it is going to happen! Please review feedback is amazing!**


	2. Chapter 2

**Just to make some things clear this doesn't follow any of a real time line it is set in the indy days, and I will adjust things to fit the story. Disclaimers and in the first chapter read them if you want.**

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I'm a moody bastard who without a goal becomes incredibly bored, and when I'm bored watch out because I tend to cause trouble and stir the pot. Right now I have goals, my main one is to never speak to Colt Cabana again that's kind of difficult since we work and travel together but I am determined to succeed in this goal. Next goal on my list is to be the best in the word at everything not just wrestling, which means I need my first relationship in forever to work. This is almost more difficult than avoiding Colt, as Raven is an ass and my dislike of him grows just as much as my attraction. I've made it clear that if he ever hits me again I'll leave and never come back. Yet it has been only a few days since the incident and he is being a royal douche pickle. I am pretty sure he is getting high behind my back and although it shouldn't surprise me it does I thought he would respect my beliefs don't know why I even consider he'd do that for me wishful thinking I suppose.

Today I am hitting the road to head to Boston for a show with Ace, Colt, and Joe so I have a feeling my goals are going to bite me in the ass. It's going to be a bitch to be trapped in a car with Colt and not speak to him, on top of that Raven is jealous he even offered to buy me a plane ticket so I wouldn't be in the same car as Colt when I declined he stormed out of my apartment and I haven't seen him since last night. I tried calling but he didn't answer I left messages and texted and did he respond once nope ass! The guys were suppose to be here any minute and I was still trying to locate my boyfriend while stuffing gear into a bag and trying to find my sun glasses to at least hide the black eye I had, it wouldn't cover up the still slight swollen lip or bruise on my jaw but it would hide some of the damage he caused.

I am in the bathroom when I hear the apartment door open and close, I poke my head out and feel my anger spark immediately the filter between my mouth and my head disappears and I am yelling at him. "Where the hell have you been? I've been trying to call you all fucking night. Were you out cheating on me? Or getting high that seems to be your favorite pastime activity!" I watched as he approached finding myself taking a step backwards the fury on his face startling me. I had very little space to back away the bathroom is tiny and I find myself cornered before I can react. I don't move as he presses his body against mine his hand stroked my throat and I make no sudden movements his hold on control very thin. My phone goes over and he reaches over to the sink counter scooping it up I think about the invasion of privacy as he responds to the text I had just received.

"Where I was last night is none of your fucking business, if I wanted to talk to you I would have responded. I don't cheat Phil, though I have a feeling if Colt told you to bend over the thought of me wouldn't cross your mind. If I want to get high I will, maybe you should try it sometime may take that stick out of your ass. The guys are downstairs waiting for you I let them know you will be down in fifteen minutes since to make up for your attitude I think you should blow me don't you agree Phillip?" I'm truly at a loss for words and I shove his hand away from me going to walk past him I get barely by him when I am slammed against my bathroom wall, oddly my first thought is about the wall and hoping he doesn't cause damage I want my security deposit back when I move. I wonder why I don't think about my personal safety, or that what is coming will probably hurt.

When I slide into the back of the rental van I keep my head down placing my earphones on I blast the music not looking up. My friends don't say a word to me they probably assume I am in another mood, they are not wrong I am in a mood but it is not the normal leave me the hell alone, antisocial space, it's a feeling of defeat that I can not push down. I lean forward not allowing my sore back to touch the seat behind me the kicks I just received I am sure will leave bruises. I run my tongue over my swollen lips and still taste his cum mixed with my blood, I had given into Ravens demanding just wanting to escape the pain, now I felt cheap and used. I pull my cubs cap lower and rummage through my bag looking for a drink, anything to help my aching throat and the taste leave. I come up empty as I practically ran from the apartment, Raven had kissed me and told me to have a good trip as if nothing had happened. I nodded and didn't even attempt to kick him out I am thinking about it now my hand typing the text demanding that he leave and stay the hell out of my life. I notice we have stopped and peek out the window seeing we were at Colt's I cringe when I see him kissing his boy toy, I glance back at my phone and see that raven had texted I open it and my heart pounds. _I'm sorry, I love you please forgive me!_ Love? Raven loved me? Was this his version of love I wondered What is love, all my examples growing up are fucked up. Hell my dad beat my mom and that was his way of loving her, so maybe this is love. This is normal for me, my life is about violence whether real or pretend so maybe he did love me, and maybe that fact that I forgive him is my version of love as fucked up as this all is. I don't respond to his text, I sit silently for a while still not looking at anyone watching the blood drip on to my hand, wondering when I started bleeding. I watch the crimson drops splatter gently on my bronze skin and think to myself blood is romance, this is love. I raise my hand discovering that my healing lip is busted open again I press against the cut hoping to stop the bleeding before anyone notices. I finally speak without looking up pulling the headphones down I request they stop at a store, when Joe murmurs an answer close enough to a confirmation so I replace the headphones and stare out the window at the passing buildings.

We stop at a store and I slide from the vehicle heading inside, I see a bathroom and head towards in, once inside I take off my hat and look into the mirror. I wipe the blood off trying to clean up to the best of my ability, I'm still bleeding but it has slowed as I begin to clot, the blood on my shirt won't disappear so I zip up the hoodie and hope no one notices. I returned to the store and grab a couple of bottle of Pepsi to get through the trip as I go to close the glass door I catch my reflection and wonder briefly who the person staring back at me is instead of an answer I realize someone else is staring at the reflection and I quickly lower my head hoping Ace didn't see anything I pay for my sodas and quickly return to my seat at the back of the van. I wait and it dawns on me minutes are ticking by I look up at the empty seats and glance around slowly, my friends are standing outside the van talking and glancing at me. Hell Colt is staring and I don't know how to react to this I go to look down and the door to the van opens, the headphones taken off and my hat taken away, I keep my head down hoping they would just drop this. Instead a firm hand raises my head and eyes scan my face, fingers touch my eye gently, stroking my cheek, and then across my lip down to my throat I don't move, I don't breath. I wait perched, unable to escape but wanting to run, I think about calling Raven and accepting the plane ticket yet I don't I stare into Ace's face and wait. "Not abusive? Just rumors, you don't believe rumors unless you see it with your own two eyes, Seen enough yet? Hell this is fresh was he beating on you while we waited outside? Ever think about asking for help? Oh wait what am I saying you would rather suffer in silence, pretending everything is fucking fine, well give it up ask for help because allowing yourself to be punching bag isn't fucking healthy." I go on the defensive crossing my arms over my chest and reaching for my head phones I refuse to respond or acknowledge any of this. We need to be on the road and eventually they will give in and get back to driving.

I can't help but lash out at Colt though he is looking at me so concerned and what fucking right does he have to do this. "What the hell are you staring at Colt? You made it clear in your text you want nothing to do with me so mind your own fucking business." He looks confused and I wonder why but as soon as he opens his mouth to respond I pull the headphones back on, tuning him out. We are moving a few minutes later and I watched Colt who sits in front of me, he is going through his phone frantically and then he grabs my phone off the seat beside me I shrug getting use to people going through my phone lately. Next thing I know he is yelling at someone on the phone, and I have never seen him so pissed off, everyone else seems uncomfortable so I pull down the headphones to eavesdrop.

"You used my cell phone and texted him, behind my back Marshall and this whole time I've wondered what the hell I did but it was you! You caused this and now Ravens beating the crap out of him. This is Punk he is not going to walk away from him now, hell to him this is perfectly normal it is all he has ever known of relationship. Why the hell would you do this? What the fuck is your problem?" The silence in the van as he listens makes me nervous I have never seen him so angry, he is shaking and I want to comfort him but I'm confused if he didn't send the text who the hell did. "Are you fucking kidding me, you did this because you are jealous of our relationship, our completely platonic, non-sexual relationship with my best friend in the fucking world. Well that is beyond pathetic and if I could think straight I would use some very colorful words! I will pack up your shit when I get home and ship it to you don't call me, don't try to stop by this is way beyond over Marshall. Have a great fucking life asshole." Everything is clarified and it doesn't make me feel better in fact my brain hurts, our platonic non-sexual relationship is in jeopardy because of Colt's boy toy. Well that just is fucking wonderful, Colt just made it clear there is nothing between us and on top of that he thinks I am pathetic and staying in a relationship because I don't know better. Great just perfect could this day get any worse. I yank my headphones back into place and blink away the tears refusing to cry, the thing is Colt is still pissed and shaking and my need to calm him down is increasing I finally lean against the seat in front of me and wrap my arms around his neck giving him an awkward hug. I feel him lean back against the seat and I bury my face into his neck breathing in. I'm still pissed at him but now for different reasons and I guess never speaking to him again is not an option. I turn off the headphones and tossed them on my seat, he tugs on my arm and I move forward so I am now sitting beside him I bury my face back into his neck as he holds me. I want to comfort him, but somehow he is comforting me. The tears I had tried to hold back dripped onto his neck and I hope he doesn't notice, he strokes my back and I smile at the touch once again his puppy. "Getting the shit beat out of you isn't love or normal do you get that Punk?" I want to agree with him, yet I'm not sure I know this so I shrug and he sighs hugging me tighter. It feels so good and I find myself relaxing for the first time in days. My eye lids become heavy and I know he is talking and it sounds important but sleep hits me hard and I just find myself snuggling closer to him practically sitting in his lap as I drift off, his voice stops but the soothing stroking of my back remains, lulling me deeper into a dream world I haven't been in for days.

I woke up several hours in a strange hotel room alone, I wonder briefly where everyone is until I see the note on the night stand. Apparently we stopped for the night as everyone is exhausted and the person who would normally drive for the night would not wake up they had decided to call it a day. Now they were off picking up food and I am alone probably for the first time in days. Maybe weeks it seemed since I started this thing with Raven he never left me alone ever. I make my way into the bathroom needing to piss like a race horse, as I wash my hands I stare at my reflection the bruises are bad and its going to be hard to explain the fact that someone beat the hell out of me to the promoter but at the moment I could give a fuck less. What I am really wondering is why I am allowing this to continue, when did I become weak like my mother I women I could barely tolerate and who I have little respect for. A voice in my head is telling me to seek help, that I can not fix everything on my own and that maybe therapy wouldn't be a bad idea. I shut that down quickly therapy means your weak, crazy and can't handle your own shit. I can handle anything that this world throws at me, I always have always will by myself I don't need anyone. Though as I stand there I begin to doubt that maybe I need Colt, or Raven, or someone anyone to hold the pieces together.

I make my way back to the bedroom turning on the TV hoping mindless infomercial would shut of my thoughts, it doesn't work and I find myself getting mad again at Colt. I'm not even sure why I do this maybe it is easier to take my feelings out on him, though I'm usually not very picky at who I lash out at for no reason. Yet Colt is where my anger has fallen more and more lately and right now I'm infuriated with him. He thinks I am unable to take care of myself, that I have no clue how to be healthy , and in a normal relationship that I expect to be abused at that thought my brain adds its two cents "don't you think its normal? Expected that the person who cares about you is going to attack? I wish you would figure this out I am tired of being lonely" Not cool, not cool at all I argue with my head, in reality arguing with myself, I am not lonely, I am never lonely I don't need anyone, people hurt you, they let you down, and people leave I'm tired of people leaving. So in general people suck and Colt Cabanana is on the top of my list for people who suck. My head wonders where Raven falls on that this. I think about this and realize I haven't yet put him on the list, he hasn't earned it yet and isn't that just fucked up the guy who beats me to show his love hasn't made my list it actually seems like to much effort to find a place for him there. I question why this is and wonder if my feelings for him are as deep as I want to believe.

I change my thought process back to Colt and away from Raven a man I knew I needed to respond to my phone had informed me I have several missed messages. Colt, Colt, Colt, where do we go from here? When did it become so obvious to everyone around us that I have feelings for you? Have they told you? Do you care? I hate that they know I pride myself at being able to hide my emotions but when it comes to you I am apparently a open book and I hate it. I hate a lot of things lately, maybe I am just become more jaded and cynical who knows. I miss you Colt, I wish I could say the right words but instead I find myself pushing you away, so what do I do now? Stop thinking that is what the hell I am going to do I am giving myself a headache, I'm going back to sleep at least in my dream self can make up his damn mind. I go lat down when the door opens and I hear my friends return I close my eyes and listen to their whispered voice. Ace is speaking, my friend, my mentor, the only father figure I currently have and I feel myself welling up at his words. "I guess what I don't understand is how he can be so amazing and strong in the ring, he can cut a promo like no one else he holds nothing back when he is in that spotlight, but behind the scenes I feel like he has lost himself the last year, he is withdrawn, sad, almost lost and the arrogant jerk is disappearing more and more. I want to help him but I have no clue and it scares me that he is letting Raven hurt him like this he always said he would kill anyone he ever saw abusing a women but he allows it to happen to himself. It scares me to think of what he might do to cope and you Colt seem to be the only one to be able to get through to him." There was a brief silence before Joe spoke up.

"We don't know that Raven hitting him was nothing more then a one time thing, not that I am condoning it but we can't jump to conclusions here." Colt snorted at Joe and it made me smile. I miss that obnoxious attitude because don't get it wrong Colt made be a funny guy and like a good rib, but he still has the human side where he can be an utter tool.

"Okay first off Joe, the bruises are fresh and old both some are already fading no one heals that fast. IF I ever personally see Raven touch him, he is a dead man not that he isn't already. Raven and I are going to have a little chat next time I see him. Secondly Ace, I wish I had some magical remedy that could fix him, he is pushing me away more these days that letting me be his friend. At some point I have to give in and give him the space he wants. I believe with all my heart that Punkers is still in there he just needs to find his way through some bullshit right now, which he is allowed this time after everything he has been through." I dare to crack my eye lids and see both Ace and Joe frowning at Colt.

"You know how he feels, and what could help yet you won't act on anything Colt, we saw you in the van how you held him just admit to him the truth and let the cards fall where they may. I still say we can't jump to conclusions with Raven it is not fair to the man." Colt turned and looked at the bed looking at me and I squint my eyes tighter.

"Punk isn't ready for that yet, if I go to him it would never work I need him to come to me which I hope he decides to do sooner or later, and as far as Raven goes lets ask Punk, first time he hit you today?" I don't know how Colt knows or how long he has known I'm awake but he does, hell Colt always knows everything, even things I don't want him to know. I shake my head no and feel the bed shift as Colt sits down.

"You guys are shitty whispers no one can sleep with you going on and on." I state shifting away from Colt as I sit up my back to the headboard I don't meet his eyes hoping he would just go away, I need time to make sense of the conversation I just over heard and everything Colt said, what the hell is he waiting for me to come to him about? If this has to do with coming to him for help with Raven then he can forget it I can handle this on my own.

"Bullshit you've been awake since we walked in the room, probably before that since the TV is on and we left it off. Feel like talking about anything you just heard? I brought you a pizza it is over on the table." It gives me an excuse to put space between Colt and myself so I stand and go to the box, opening it I see my favorite type, though not deep dish or Chicago style it will do for now. I eat and they all stare at me chewing hurts, and so does swallowing could be from being choked earlier today who the hell knows or cares anymore I don't I've forgiven him already too much energy to be pissed at Raven right now. I must have made a face because Colt stands and retrieves a soda for me I take it without speaking not looking up at him, the cool liquid soothes my throat and I rub the back of my tiredly. I just slept for hours and all I want to do right now is curl into a ball and go back to sleep but this conversation seems to be happening whether I want it to or not.

"Where are we" I finally ask trying to make conversation that doesn't lead to a place I don't want to go, plus if I need to escape it would be nice to know what city we are in.

"Connecticut someplace Danbury, or something like that." Ace answers with a shrug and they still stare. I look at the clock seeing it is almost midnight I'm about to answer Colt's first question when my phone goes off I grab it from the table and see Raven is calling I really don't want to talk to him in front of my friends so I look around seeing a door that leads out to a small balcony, amazed this cheap hotel even has one I stand and slip outside to some eye rolling from my friends. I answer and Raven immediately starts talking, never once does he apologize he just starts blaming me and I accept the blame because he is right, this is my fault.

It's cold I recognize and look around, snow falls steadily from the sky and a blanket of white is already coating the ground. I wonder if we will make it out of here tomorrow as he continues to talk. The blame continues and I don't speak its my fault for not accepting the plane ticket, my fault for refusing to do what he wanted, my fault for going with Colt when he told me not to. It's my fault for not canceling the booking and staying with him. He just want me with him, like a fucking puppy I think to come at his beck and call. He demands to know where we are, and when we will be back. I tell him where we are but not that we are at a hotel. I tell him the same thing I've already told him, we will return as expected. I know he will be there waiting for me, I know it could mean another beating but I can't find the energy to care I wonder when I have become so apathetic to life. I tell him I miss him, because that is what he wants to hear I'm not sure its true, he says he loves me and I mumble it back putting no real emotions behind the door. I miss the door snapping open behind me so it startles me when my phone is taken from my hand. Colt begins a screaming match and I just stand there watching it snow, almost hoping it traps me here forever. I listen to the yelling not sure how raven is responding but thinking this will be bad for me. I watch as Colt hangs up and my phone is flying through the air landing in the snow-covered parking lot shattering. I follow its descent and try to get angry at this Colt growls that he will buy me another one. I nod and look at him, he is shaking again and I reach out placing my cold hand against the bare skin of his arm. I want to ask if he is okay, I want to comfort him but I feel so empty that I just stand there my hand on his arm. I feel myself shiver in the cold night air and Colt catches this he is about to pull me inside but I refuse to move just tightening my hand on his arm. I open my mouth yet nothing comes out, I love you I want to scream yet a small "I'm sorry" tumble from my lips. He laughs bitterly and I can see the anger returning I wonder why.

"You're sorry for what Punk? He should be sorry, he did this to you yet here you are standing in the cold telling the man who beat you and if I am to believe what he just implied raped you. Did he lie about that?" I want to decline his accusation but in a way it was rape I didn't want to only gave in so I could breath. So I remain silent and Colt reaches out and grabs my shoulders squeezing hard. "You stand out here and tell him you fucking love him, you do that with this man so easily why the fuck is that. How do you so easily say the fucking words to him?" I don't respond, I can't all words have failed me at this point I know he is right I want to tell him this, that I am not going back to Raven, that I don't love him, that I in fact love you but I can't. I stand my hands on his wrist trying to ease the pressure on my shoulders and watch him as he rages. Struggling with something I don't understand, I try again to speak and then shake my head looking down biting at my lip ring. Whatever he is struggling with seems to end as I slammed against the door and his lips crash onto mine. Colt is kissing me, Colt is fucking kissing me, and I don't know what to do. I wanted this but not this way, he is so angry and I am so broken there I admitted it I'm fucking broken. His anger is dominating this kiss his tongue forcing its way into my mouth and I clutch the shirt in front of me not pushing him away though, oh no bringing him closer trying to wrap myself around him.

His hands are on my body in places I have always wanted him to touch, but not like this I think. This doesn't feel like love it feels like possession, proving a point and I am letting him. I am so tired of being a possession. As his hand slides underneath my shirt I shove him hard and he stumbles back. The passion in his eyes startle me, but it is quickly replaced by what looks like guilt and concern. My hand fumbles with the door knob and as he reaches out to me I am through the door, across the room and out, then I am running. I hear foot steps behind me but ignore them, I hear my name being called but I don't stop, I run through the snowy blackness, run until I can't breathe, until my legs finally give out and I sit on the side of a lonely stretch or road. Then I scream, because it is too quite and I scream until I'm hoarse.

I finally wipe away the tears I didn't know I even cried and stand on unsteady legs looking around the cold finally seeping in. It dawns on me I have no coat, no phone, and no idea where I am. Or what the name of the hotel is I am staying at. I begin to walk going back the way I think I came. Great my tombstone is going to say I died from stupidity by running into a blizzard because I freaked out when the man I am in love with kissed me. Little wordy for a tombstone but I am sure they will make it fit. I walk for what feels like hours shivers overtaking my body I pull my arms from the short sleeve shirt and tuck them inside trying to stay warm somehow. I hear my name and think I may be losing my mind so I just keep walking. I trudge through the good foot of snow in my sneakers my feet wet not looking up until I literally collide with something. Ace is standing before me concern all over his face, it whips off his own jacket and I am bundled inside of the warmth. I hear him speaking and he has his cell phone out then his arms are wrapped around me and I think I hear him call me an idiot before my legs give out and I am scooped up. I hear a vehicle approaching and I recognize our van as the door opens I am placed into the warmth of the van and another set of arms surround me as well as another coat I smell Colt but don't bother looking up at him. I am so embarrassed right now but the warmth from the two men is soothing. We get back to the hotel and I am carried inside by Colt, the coats are removed and I am in the bathroom, standing in a warm shower before I finally feel my mind coming back to me.

Someone brought me clothes and when I am no longer freezing I pull them on. I hesitate at the door knowing Colt is on the other side. I wondered if I could just stay here until it is time to leave but instead muster my courage and open the door, my eyes adjust to the room quickly it is dark accepted for candles, everywhere there are lit candles and I am wonder if I am dreaming. Colt stands in the center of the room, the only one here. I stand in the door way unsure of what is going on. "You have a choice, Ace and Joe have a room up the hall you can go stay with them, or stay here and let me love you the way you need." I'm sure my mouth hit the floor did colt just proposition me, did he just imply love. I am sure I heard wrong, my brain is positive of it, my feet on the other hand have crossed the room on their own accord to stand in front of Colt. I reach out with a trembling hand and tug at the bottom of his shirt. He doesn't speak just pulls the offensive object off tossing it on the floor. My hand traces bare skin and I lean forward placing a small kiss on the center of Colt;s chest right over his heart. I'm sure when he removes my shirt my heart stopped beating and when he picks me up and walks to the bed I forget how to breathe. He lowers me down, his weight presses against me, my legs wrap around his waist and I look at him curiously. When his mouth connects with mine, my brain sighs there it is I think, the kiss I've waited forever for. Tender, gentle, distinctly Colt his taste sending me on a high I have never known. I wonder if I am dreaming, if I'm really passed out in a snow bank on the side of the road. So I wrap my arms around his neck and squeeze gently. Nope not a dream, he is real, he is here and I never want this moment to end. He pulls away all to soon and his eyes are searching mine and I;m not sure what he wants to see but I try to convey to him the love that's hidden inside. I smile and his face lights up slightly. "Phil if we do this tonight, we talk in the morning, no holding back on me. No promises for tonight just I need to know you will talk to me." I stroke my hand down his back feeling his strength and his desire for me.

"We will talk, I will try to tell you everything, I just need help to burn my walls down. I've been lonely too long, just let me feel tonight please" I whisper this and a sadness flashes across his face before once again he is kissing me and my mind disappears as my body takes over.

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**Trying to decided if I should start the next chapter with some hot loving, or go right to the next morning and the conversation they need to have, though it most likely won't go Punk or Colt's way when they talk. Thank you for those who have read this but please please review.**


	3. Chapter 3

Colt's hand slid across my stomach his fingers tracing my tattoos, his eyes were once again searching mine as his hand slid to the top of my pants, "are you sure?" the moment he spoke these words I wish he could return them to his mouth, I'm not sure, there is nothing in my life I am sure about right now.I pushed him away gently, standing I crossed the room standing by the balcony doorway I watched as the sky sprinkled diamonds onto the ground coating the world in sparkles. I could see his reflection in the glass staring at me, he hadn't made a move but the look on his face spoke loud in the silent room. He wanted me but I could see the conflicting emotions, he wanted me but he wasn't sure about this, about us, about me. I want to tell him we would be okay in the light of the morning but I'm sure it's a lie. He finally speaks and his request is more difficult than he knows. "say something." If only it is that simple I open my mouth and words tumble out for a living but here with him I am tongue tied.

I turn and go back to the bed kneeling down by his legs I reach out and undo the button of his jeans, he allows me to remove them, I slide my bare hand up his bare leg, thinking how my chipped polish is contradiction to his tan skin, it reflects how we are though my imperfections versus his perfection. I push the thoughts away tugging down Colt's boxers my eyes take in every inch. His erection lays hard against his stomach, hard and huge bigger then I could have imagined and it causes my eyes to widen, I am no slouch in the well endowed department but damn he may be the king. I feel his eyes watching every facial expression I make, every move I think he is waiting for me to run again, I'm not going to at least not now. I lean forward and like the precum from his tip, I hear him hiss but my moan is louder. His taste is everything I imagined it would be and more, I want, I need to taste all of him so I take him in as far as I can my tongue tracing every inch, my lips stretched, my cheeks hollow as I suck. I want to make him come undone, I want him not to ever know as much pleasure as he does tonight. I need to erase every other person from his mind. I feel his hand in my hair and I allow him to guide me until he is being to gentle for my taste and I try to swat his hand away, he just tightens his grip and I remember this isn't about fucking, it's about something different new and I'm not sure I want that it makes me feel vulnerable yet he doesn't let me increase the pace.

He finally pulls me up lowering me back on the bed, I watch as he crosses the room and returns with a bottle of lube, not something I am use too and again I am uncomfortable. He pushes my legs apart and slides down between them I think at first to take me in his mouth but then I feel the tongue run across my hole, my eyes widen and at first I think it is strange no one has ever done this to me, I wrinkle my forehead and bite at my sore lip, but it doesn't take long and I understand the attraction of this activity his tongue caressing, exploring, opening me up is breathtaking, I am moaning, and whimpering almost at the same time and I feel him smile as I come undone for him, not the plan but too late to back out now. I grip his hair and tug wanting more but at the same time never wanting him to stop, my back arches and I think I may yell slightly when a lubed finger slides inside of me. I look down and see he is watching me and I can't look away from his eyes, mesmerized my moans turn to plea's that fall upon deaf ears as he takes his time to prepare me, one finger turns to two, then three and he easily finds the spot in me that causes my body to come alive and move against those fingers. Then he is over me and his legs push mine apart widening for his entrance, he slide inside slowly letting me adjust, I want more, I want it hard, fast, rough the way I am used too instead I get steady, slow gentle, and with a few strokes I have lost this war.

I have no clue I am crying until his fingers wipe away the tears. This moment of tenderness further makes me fall apart I pull him down for a kiss, and as his lips are about to meet mine I whisper the words I've needed to for a while "I love you" his lips claim mine and I can't see his expression or tell if he heard me. I pull away from the kiss looking at his face and I know he heard me, he cries now and I wonder when love became about tears. He buries his head in my neck and we move together, both falling over the edge together.

I lay in his arms and no one speaks, I think we both know the truth tonight would forever be in my mind but I am going back to Raven in the morning. I'm going to go back and Colt is going to give up on me. Tonight is our goodbye, I can't keep waiting and neither can he I understand that now. I'm not ready yet for him, and he can't keep hoping I will be. I may never be ready for him, at this point I don't know how to love in a way that wouldn't destroy us. In the morning I'm leaving and he will move on and find the person who he wants to spend the rest of his life with and I hope he is happy. I wonder if I will ever be happy, if he hopes that I will be. I'm a miserable bastard right now and I can't keep pulling him down with me, but I know I will always watch from afar he will always be in my mind.

Morning comes too quickly for both of us, neither of us have slept, nor have we spoken I pull from his arms reluctantly still feeling him on my skin. I go into the bathroom and clean up, pulling on fresh clothes I see one of Colt's t-shirts on the floor and stuff it quickly into my bag wanting to have just a little piece of him when I leave. As he cleans up I get informed by text that we are snowed in and not going to make it to the show, I wasn't going to the show either way but now I need to figure out how the hell to get out of here today. I'm standing on the balcony when he appears. He speaks first and I force a smile. "Punkers" it's a question I am not answering so I look back at him.

"Come outside with me, play in the snow, lets build a snowman" he nods and follows me out. We play and I relax enough to enjoy it laughing feels good I have a feeling it will be awhile before I do it again. We stay out until I am too cold to continue, when we return to the room the silence is back. He speaks first again and I cringe because the talk has begun.

"Did you mean what you said last night?" Of course he starts there the one place I will not go with him.

"I'm leaving, heading back to Chicago this afternoon, there is a bus heading out." he laughs but not with humor and I keep my back to him.

"Of course you are, why stay and be happy when you can run back to him and be a punching bag. I should have known this is your typical style never stick around when the shit gets real.'' He is right about that I tend to run away instead of facing my problems lately.

"I don't want you in my life anymore Colt" my voice breaks and I have to clear my throat "I'm going to make sure not to book myself on shows you are on. I don't want you to call, or stop by. I can't be your friend this needs to stop." My hand grips the table edge in front of me so hard I know its going to leave a mark and I wait.

"You really are an ass, we sleep together once and you think that means you should break up with me?"

"No that's not it, I wish I could be ready for this but I 'm not I may never be, you don't deserve this Colt, you deserve better and I hope you find happiness. Be happy please just not with me." I am spun around and he is right in front of me and when I look in his eyes I want to curl up and die I'm hurting him and I can not deny the fact that this is my fault.

"What if I'm ready to accept you for who you are? What if this, as messed up as you can be is exactly what I want? Do I get a choice in this? Or is this about Raven? DO YOU LOVE HIM PHIL? DO YOU LOVE HIM MORE THAN ME?" he screams in my face his hands tightening around my wrist and I see the out I need, but I'm not sure I can take it. It would put the final nail in our friendship so I pause. He shakes me and I let him, I know he wants answer so I finally give them to him.

"You don't get a choice Colt, I am leaving and I hope you have a wonderful life, but my life is with Raven I love him, more than I could ever love you." My wrist are let go of and he is gone but not before I saw his face, I destroy us and now I can never take it back, I think my heart may actually be breaking I can't breathe and my chest hearts. I force myself into action grabbing my crap I run again, heading for the bus station and my way out of this mess.

* * *

It's been a few months, months of wanting to reach out to him apologize, months of not speaking to my friends, or ignoring the world throwing myself into work and Raven. I've avoided him like the plague and he has respected my request not that I gave him much of a choice, I changed my number and moved in with Raven as soon as I got back to Chicago Living in Philly was hell but if I was still in Chicago I would track him down and beg him to love me back. Yet here I am and the fates are laughing at me. Despite the fact that I made it clear I didn't want to work shows with him, and go out of my way to check he is not booked when I am he is here in New Jersey and I am hiding in a bathroom. I've heard rumors that he is dating someone, that he has moved on and he is thriving without me. He seemed happy when I briefly saw him in the locker room before I fled, I came here to hide from my former best friend. Hell he is still my best friend, my brain reminds me I currently have no friends except for the people Raven hangs out with who don't really talk to you, and try to get you high. It is so fucking fun too constantly tell the same people that you are straight edge and to take their drugs and fuck off. I rest my forehead into my heads as the headache I have is increasing, my head hasn't been right since the day before when Raven decided to slam it against a brick wall several times. I think it may be a concussion, I am not sure though it seems worse, like the fact that right after it happened I felt an odd warmth on my left side, or the fact that my back is incredibly stiff, sleeping had been impossible with the pain and at one point I almost asked Raven to take me to the hospital not that he would.

I'm shaken from my thoughts by the appearance of Reckless Youth my opponent for the night. We quickly go over the match and I get ready to head out. I hear AFI begin to pound through the system and I make my way towards the ring just before going out to the curtain I see Colt watching me and notice he is with Ace and Hero and I wonder briefly why they are all here. My match is shit, and my head well gravity is trying to shove it to the ground and god knows I want to let it but not before I get behind the curtain, the chair is shitty walker but at least it keeps me on my feet. As soon as I am out of the crowds sight I go down and damn the floor feels good, people are talking to me and I am puking, water is being poured on my back and that is not helping, I hold my head and decline an ambulance I'll be fine. Everything is blurring but Colt's voice focuses me back in, he is asking me stupid questions but I answer them to the best of my ability. Speaking to him for the first time since that morning, this wasn't how I imagined it but hey at least he spoke to me. Colt offers to take me to the ER and I nod slightly only to be informed they already called an ambulance, Colt states that is stupid and I agree I'm fine after all. I know I'm not so fine when light starts to hurt my eyes, and when the EMT's put me on a back board and neck brace my head pounds worse. The whole ride in the ambulance is a blur except that Colt is with me, holding my hand.

I'm told I have a fractured skull, and blood in the spinal column and I laugh, Colt is in shock and I laugh. I refuse all drugs and the doctor once again asks me how this happen I tell him in the ring and he asks when I tell him early tonight and that's when he says that it didn't happen tonight, he can tell by the swelling it is at least twenty-four to forty-eight hours old. I don't respond why bother Colt will know the truth even if I deny it so I shrug and close my eyes wanting to sleep.

I check myself out the next day, finding myself in a hotel room with Colt, Ace, Hero and a pizza I scarf down. They are making arrangements to fly me home at first I think they mean to Philly, but then I learn to Chicago to stay at Chez's parents while I heal. I want to say that I need to go home to Philly but I think that would just piss the men off more, and since no one has said Raven's name it is probably best I leave it this way for now. So I eat my pizza silent and agree to go to Chicago though I need to call Raven and tell him I'm suppose to home by now, I wonder why he isn't blowing my phone up. I learn the reason a few hours later when a pounding on the door to the room wakes me up. I watch as Colt goes over and looks through the peep-hole a sick smile crosses his face and he rolls his shoulders. He opens the door and disappears out before I can see who is on the other side. I know quickly though, the raised voices and sounds of a fight tip me off that Raven is here. Ace slides out of the room I think at first to break up the fight but it seems to only get worse so I stand and Hero blocks my way. "Move Chris if I don't stop it then someone may end up in jail. Just move don't worry I'm not going with him." Chris steps out-of-the-way and I go out my arms wrapping around colt pulling him back as Chris pulls back Ace. I struggle with Colt, finally just whimpering "my head hurts enough please stop" he immediately freezes and I sigh letting him go. Raven is picking himself off the ground and I can see they did a number on him, I almost feel bad, almost.

"Fucking bitch, stupid whore look what you fucking did" he spits at me but I am not in the mood for his bullshit so I turn to go back into the room, standing is making me hurt. "where the fuck are you going, lets head home Punk" I roll my eyes and look at him and laugh.

"Are you kidding me, you almost killed me I am not going anywhere with you. I plan on going home to Chicago without you so see ya later." His eyes are murderous and he starts smirking I know what ever he says next is going to suck.

"So you going to be his whore then, does he know what you've been up too? Does he know you've slept around, cheating on me that you can't be trusted? Does he know you got high a few weeks ago? Does he know the dirty little secret I know, does he know how you cut yourself." I glare at the man and wonder if I have enough energy to bash his head into a brick wall.

"You slip drugs into my drink, I didn't willingly get high and it back fired on you, just made me hate the idea more. I have never cheated on you, I told you I am seeing a therapist just because you don't believe that is where I am going is not my fault. I am no one's whore, and I will never be sleeping with you again so go to hell." I walk back into the bedroom hoping they kill him at this point. I lay back onto the bed and the door closes, I feel hands on my legs tugging at the shorts and I just reach down and pull them up so Colt can see the small shallow cuts. I have a history here this isn't the first time but its a lot less than in the past.

"Thought we were done with this bullshit" I shrug at Colt and he just shakes his head, he goes to walk away and I grab his arm tugging on him.

"I hurt, I'm tired so please no more yelling, no more fighting, no more tonight. My shrink says that sets me off and I throw up my walls. Just sit down and stay still for me." Colt look confused as I force him to sit on the bed his back leaning against the wall I place my head in his lap and close my eyes. I hear Hero chuckle and Ace snort but I just get comfortable, glancing up at Colt. I don't care if he has moved on, he offered to take care of me until I got home and damn it at least for now he is mine.

The plane ride is miserable, the worst pain I ever felt I'm sure Colt had permanent damage to his hand from how hard I am squeezing it trying not to scream, yet he never says a word just lets me cling to him. When we reach Chez's parents home I am grateful to see the bed all I want to do is sleep and so that is what I do. I sleep for hours, and hours turn to days yet whenever I open my eyes he is there making me drink something, eat some crackers I have no appetite at this point, helping me to the bathroom. We never talk, I am never awake long enough too he suggest going back to the hospital but I refuse to he lets me lay here and heal. Days turn to weeks and after a month or so my appetite comes back and I start to stay awake longer, I want to ask why he is here, I want to tell him he can leave but I don't do either. I tell him I want to go the gym, need to go back to wrestling and he tells me no not yet and I accept this. One day when I've been up for a while he agrees to go for a walk and so we do and I feel better with the fresh air and exercise so we watch a movie. Half way through he speaks and I am caught off guard by the question. "are you done being stupid yet, or should I expect you to throw me out again soon?" I take a deep breath and turn to look at him.

"I am an idiot I don't deny this, hell I'm in therapy because of it. I can't make promises though Colt. I want you here, I need you in my life as a friend for now. If you have given up on me that is okay but just stay for now."

"I will never give up on you, I hope you recognize that by now. Just warn me the next time you are going to shut me out please" I nod and snuggle back into his side knowing this is more than friendly but for the moment I could care less.

I sit in Colt's apartment watching TV waiting for him to get home, well really it is not so much his at this point since I am slowly getting back on my feet even gone to the gym a few times granted I got dizzy anytime I lifted a weight over my head but its progress. Though what I am really saying is that I've been living at Colt's place, well staying here at least until I find a place of my own. Since when I moved to Philly I gave up my shoebox. I regret that now of course since Raven has all my stuff and I really need to contact him so I can at least get my comics and dvd's back, though Colt just wants to replace them all so I never see him again.

A knock on the door distracts me from channel surfing and I wonder if Colt forgot his keys. I walk over opening the door with a smile that quickly changes to a scowl. "Marshal can I help you?" Colt's ex stands in front of me and it just points out the difference between myself and who he normally dates. Marshal is clean-cut, no tattoos, no piercing his hair is natural and not a strand out-of-place. He doesn't fit into my world at all, but he would fit in with Colt's another place we are polar opposites.

"You're here great, I came to see Scott is he in?" I glare at him crossing my arms over my chest, hoping he would take the point that he is not welcome.

"Nope he is not home right now, and I think he has made it perfectly clear that he doesn't want to see you or speak to you." Marshal tries to push past me into the apartment but I refuse to budge, nudging him back slightly. "I didn't invite you in now leave"

"This isn't your place it is Colts and I want to speak to him. Move aside I'm sure he is home." I am tempted to punch him but instead take a step closer getting right into his face.

"I live here now, this is my place and just so we are clear Colt also belongs to me now. I don't lie when I tell you he is not home I mean it. So why don't you take your trashy, good for nothing bitch ass and leave before I call the cops and charge you with trespassing."

"Oh so he finally decided to go slumming did he, well don't worry Colt will get tired of messing with trash and throw you out like the garbage you are and I will be waiting when he comes to his senses." I swing without thinking about it, he touched a nerve so I reacted and when he shoved me back and my head hit the door frame I see pretty stars and my stomach rolls. I tried to shake it off to defend myself but I don't need to Colt has him and I think the point is made that he is not welcome and Colt would like to kill him, I leave the beating and go sit on the couch trying not to throw up. Now I know Colt's right I am not ready to be back in the ring if I can't take a light blow to the head yet. I lay down and throw my arms over my eyes I hear the click of the door and feet heading towards me. My arms are lifted and Colt is checking me over.

"I'm fine just dizzy it will pass. I shouldn't have let him get to me, I should have kept my temper in check he's just right about so much that he said, and on top of that he is an arrogant, smug asshole. Why did you ever date him in the first place?" Colt ignores me at first going to the kitchen and returning with an ice bag my head is lifted and I groan as the need to puke increases. Colt sits and rest my head on his lap holding the ice pack in place.

"You have a small lump, I'm going to keep an eye on you if anything seems off I am taking you to the hospital. You are right you shouldn't have reacted to him. I was lonely when I met him, didn't recognize that he was and is all wrong for me. Yes he is an ass I agree and I doubt he is right about anything but care to tell me what you think he is so right about." I don't really want to answer him I am feeling insecure right now.

"He just pointed out that you're going to get tired of me being here, I'm not easy to live with which is why I need to start finding an apartment. I should look in the paper for a place." I go to stand and he keeps me in place. I look up at him and know he knows I'm not telling him the whole truth.

"If I didn't want you here you wouldn't be here. You are not going to look for an apartment right now Phil, maybe when you are stronger we can talk about that but right not it is not an option. Are you hungry, I got some burritos from that place you like." I sit up slowly grateful I am no longer nauseous He brings over the takeout and we eat in silence. I know he is going away for the weekend to a show and I want to ask him to stay with me. He'll leave first thing in the morning and I'll be alone til Monday, I usually like to be alone but don't feel like I'm going to do alone well this weekend.

"Who are you dating?" I ask him breaking the silence he gives me an odd look and sits his food aside. "I mean I heard you were seeing someone, but the last month you have been by my side so I just wanted who was being so nice to not be angry you haven't been around. Are they going with you this weekend? Oh god were you dating Marshal again?" Colt takes a deep breath and I can see him counting down from ten when he reaches one he does it again before taking my hands in his.

"I am not dating anyone, I haven't dated anyone since we were in Connecticut, yes there is a rumor but if you listened closely you would know that there is no way in hell I would be dating Joe. Though I am assuming people think that because he helped me out a lot the last couple of months. I am going this weekend with Ace, Danny, and Joe. I would take you with me but I know you to well and you would be begging Gabe to let you wrestle and he would give in. I can cancel if you want me too. Just say the world and we will spend the weekend hanging out." I shake my head no and grimace the headache that's coming on is going to be a bitch.

"I'll be fine by myself, I know you need to work to pay for this place, even though I keep telling you I can pay my share of the rent while I'm here. Though having a sugar daddy is kind of a huge turn on." It's the closes I've gotten to flirting with him and I hope he sees that I am. The smirk in his face tells me he caught on and he leans forward.

"Sugar daddies usually get something in return for their generosity Punk, I mean I just saved your ass from a beating and brought you dinner, so what do I get in return." I lean forward so our lips are almost touching.

"I'll do the. . ." I stroked his arm gently "dishes" with that I stood and head into the kitchen. I start the dishes while I am scrubbing at a pot with a foreign substance that I do not want to know about I hear my phone go off in the living. It's a text message so I ignore it. A shadow fills the doorway and I look over to Colt he stands clutching my phone with an unreadable expression.

"You're still talking to him?"

"Who are you talking about?"

"Raven, you are talking to him. Do you even give a fuck what he did to you?" I grab my phone and check the message rolling my eyes.

"I told you I wanted to get my stuff back from him, that is the only reason I am talking to him. I know what he did I feel the effects every day." Colt laughs bitterly and I know now he read more than this text.

"Really just this morning you told him and I fucking quote I love you too, and I forgive you, so what the hell are you doing here? Are you fucking using me to make your self feel good, Are you going back to him? You know I've never asked you about those months but why don't you be honest with me and tell me how bad it got. Tell me why he fractured your skull it was probably your fault right." I heard the sarcasm but he was hitting a little close to home with his accusations.

"I'm not talking to you about any of this until you chill out, I'm going back to the dishes which you apparently don't know how to do ever." He grabs my arm before I can go back to the sink.

"Answer him, he said he is in town and wants to meet. So answer him right the fuck now." I push his hand away and storm into the living room searching for my keys. When I find them I head for the door and he stands in my way. "Where are you going?"

"I'm leaving get out of my way Colt." he refuses to budge when I try to push past him. "Move Colt" I practically scream in his face he doesn't even blink hell I can't even tell if he is breathing.

"You don't get to do this Phil, run away whenever things get tough. Stand there and fight it out with me Punk in the ring would, so why can't Phil in real life stand his ground." I am seething and want out of the apartment so I do something I would normally never do and knee him as hard as I can in the balls. He doubles over and I push past him.

"Punk and I are not one and the same all the time Colt, you should know that. I'm leaving don't hold your breath that I will ever be back. Why don't you call Marshal since he is so much fucking better than I am and I'm sure would never run away." I storm out the door and head down the stairs I hear him right behind me now that he is recovered from my tiny attack. He reaches out and I shrug him off.

"Phil wait...wait damn it I'm sorry" I stop and his arms wrap around me. I accept it but tense at the same time. "You once told me you loved me well I need you to know that I love you too. Through the storm, the good and bad days I am here, but I am not willing to watch you run back to him. Raven is nothing but darkness for you, but you head into it like its your saving grace. If you chose to go back to him then I can not stop you but it would break my heart and I refuse to watch him destroy you. So if you leave her and run to him don't come back, I can't do it anymore." He kisses my neck gently and let's go walking away I hear him climb the stairs and I am frozen. I don't do well with ultimatums and I am pretty sure Colt just laid one at my feet. I have no plans to go back to Raven but the fact that he thinks I would hurts me more than I can express. It almost makes me want to see Raven, to hear him out, almost. Instead I head out the door and to Ace;s house, Joe is in town and I am sure they are out partying but I want to talk to Joe and this will give me enough time to cool off before I go back home.

I arrive at Ace's place to find it empty so I grab a soda and wait, I think about calling them too see where they are but know they will be back soon they have to leave early. I send a text to Raven informing him I am out of town and can not meet him but if he brought my stuff he could just leave it at Chez's since she would be the only one not to kill him on sight. He doesn't respond and I don't care he is fucking stuff up with Colt. Stuff that I am attempting to make work despite the fact it is doomed to fail. The door to the apartment hits the wall hard jumping the fuck out of me. I look over and stand quickly backing away fumbling with my phone to call for help. Raven is enraged I can see it in his eyes and that never bodes well for me. "You little lying bitch, you don't think I know where you are. Where you have been staying, or who you've been fucking. You're cheating on me with that lame ass joke of a wrestler, I'm not bringing your stuff to you, you are going to fucking come home now Punk. Lets fucking go." I don't move my finger finding the call button and hitting send right before I thrown against the wall. I try to defend myself, I scream for help unsure if the call went through. He is on top of me and I can't think straight, sure that I am going to throw up on him, everything is spinning and he is screaming at me. I finally understand he is asking if I slept with Colt while we've been together and I see no point in lying about it now, he is probably going to kill me as it is so I nod. He is choking me with one hand while undoing my pants and I scream and try to fight him off.

He is calling me a slut, a whore, and telling me to stop fighting that I know I want this but I don't. I am struggling, scratching, clawing, biting, hitting to escape before it goes any further my body running on adrenaline my mind not really functioning I lean up and my fingers grasp the chain around his neck twisting the heavy metal until he is no longer able to draw a breath and he struggles against me for a change. I don't want to kill him so as soon as I see him start to go week I shove him away and run for the kitchen pulling open draws knowing I don't have a lot of time until he recovers. I find a large knife and grab it huddling against the counter. I hear foot steps and slide into a tighter ball trying to make myself as small and invisible as possible. I can not beat him in a fight right now, my head can't take anymore it already feels like any healing that has happened is gone. I watch as the black boots approach, my body is shaking and my grip on the knife is not great my body is not responding to me the way I need, I flex my hand and tightening my grip, refusing to let this man kill me. I stand slowly and he is right in front of me "Leave, get out now" I state firmly he doesn't move laughing in my face and my hand without the knife reaches out and slaps him wiping away the smirk quickly. "You are pathetic, really fucking pathetic. You want to kill me, you want to rape me go ahead I am too weak to stop you but know one thing I never loved you, no one ever could love you. You are nothing more than a pit stop until people become aware they deserve better than you. If you kill me it won't matter because I know now what real love is, hell I know what real sex is. You are extremely unsatisfying in bed and that's an improvement for your performance in the ring. Get out of this house, get out of my life or I will tell the world how I really fractured my skull, people love my live journal and the stories I tell, I swear I will ruin you." I turned on Punk to the best of my ability lashing out hoping he would back down if I stood up to him. It didn't work but at least I tried, when he grabbed me to throw me to the ground again I brought the knife down his arm at first I didn't think it accomplished anything until I felt his blood falling on me as he again tried to get my pants off. I drove the knife again into his arm and he swore at me, grabbing my wrist tightly squeezing until the knife clattered to the ground he shoved it away.

My pants are wrenched down and I screamed, and screamed for help. My hands punched at his wounded arm, digging my fingers into the cut, he is bleeding a lot and it is coating my hand, causing my to become slippery and less able to hold onto the wounded arm. I wonder why no one is helping me it is an apartment building someone has to hear me screaming. He is trying to get his pants undone and so I bring the heel off my hand up into his nose busting it more blood dripping from him on to me though the moment gives me a chance to roll over and try to crawl away he grabs my ankle to pull me back to him and I drive the heel of my sneaker into his throat, he is coughing and sputtering as I run to Ace's room locking the door, I go into the bathroom and lock that door also I see a pair of Ace's shorts and yank them on climbing into the tub I stare waiting at the door.

I don't know how long I waited, every minute felt like a second he could come in and finish his plan at any moment and I never got to talk to Colt the way I needed too. I am dizzy, holding on to consciousness by a very thin thread, I may be bleeding but I'm not sure so much of his blood covers me. I want to throw up but I am trying to hold down that feeling. I freeze when I hear voices, it is not Raven's however the voices belong to Joe and Ace I want to call out to them tell them raven could still be here but I don't, I won't let him know where I am. I here the rattle of keys in the door a few minutes later and it is opened slowly to reveal Ace. He approaches me cautiously and I don't blame him, I'm shaking, covered in blood, and at some point started crying. "Raven, Raven is here" I tell him frantically wanting him to close the door.

"It's okay Joe has him in the kitchen, he is unconscious you did a number on him. He's lost a lot of blood. He is not going anywhere we will handle him okay." Punk's eyes widened what if he died then he would go to prison for killing him.

"Colt I want Colt." Ace is trying to check me for injuries and I just keep shying away.

"He is on his way, we've tried to find you since you called him. I'm sorry it took so long we didn't think to look here." I nod staying in my ball on the cold porcelain waiting for Colt. He appears quickly and pushes Ace out-of-the-way beginning to check me over, I allow him to do this.

"Most of it is his blood, my head is not doing well though" I tell him this and he nods pulling me to my feet he turns on the shower and I stand under the water the blood washing off so Colt can get a better handle on my situation.

"Did he rape you?" I shake my head no and see relief flash through Colt's eyes.

"Tried to but didn't succeed, is he going to die?" Colt lifts me from the shower removing my clothes and bundling me into towels.

"No he will live as long as I don't kill him. I tried to get to you sooner and hearing you screaming tore me apart. I didn't know where you were. I'm sorry he got to hurt you." I'm still shaking as he dresses me in some of Ace's clothes and then leads me to the living room. I sit on the couch while he retrieves my phone from the floor. Ace and Joe walk back into the apartment and I look at them confused looking towards the kitchen.

"We took care of him, don't worry he won't say a word to anyone about tonight. I'm going to clean up the kitchen, Joe clean up in here, Colt take care of Punk." Ace barked instructions and they were immediately followed.

"I'm taking Punk to the hospital he needs to have his head checked out." Ace nodded like it is the logical decision. I on the other hand protested.

"No I'm fine, just need to rest they can't do anything for it even if he re-fractured it. Colt I need to tell you something please." He looked at me from where he is helping Joe right the coffee table. :I love you, I want to be with you, but please be patient with me I'm really messed up. I was never going to see Raven, I never loved him. I love you I need to make sure you know that." Ace and Joe both had smiles on, but Colt seemed stunned in fact I don't think he is blinking currently the way he is staring at me. "Colt" I say this in worry and with a fear of rejection. He quickly crosses to me and his lips are again on mine and I feel so much better accept for one thing. I pull back quickly "I'm going to puke" I grab my head as the pain intensifies and I repeatedly heave into the trash can Colt hands me.

"Call an ambulance" I hear Colt from a distance my whole body feels off, I look up at him and then my whole body went cold. My mind is racing and I can't control anything Colt is moving me to the floor and Ace is on the phone. Colt is talking and I try to focus on the voice but it is so far away. "Punk. . .seizure. . .calm" I understand but it seems dream like, I've never had a seizure why would I have one now? I black out, at least I think I did when I come too EMT's are hovering above me Colt is informing them of my condition and that I decided to be an idiot and wrestle tonight and he thinks it re-injured my head. I understand the lie and I feel grateful for it, I try to speak but find myself unable to as the words slur in my mouth. Colt looks at me and forces a smile I can tell he is worried, hell I am scared as all hell, even briefly thought about praying to god but nixed that idea quickly, god doesn't exist so I just focused on Colt. I wince at a pinch on my arm "IV it's an IV you need it they need to get some anti-convulsion medications into you. Just let them treat you I will make sure they don't give you anything against your beliefs. Trust me okay? I love you too." I force a smile but if feels wrong, everything feels wrong and so far away.

"Kay" I slur out "lo...ve...y...u" it was the best I could do but I knew he got the message so I closed my eyes for a second to tired to keep them open any longer.

* * *

**Thank you for reading and a big thank you to lamentomori you inspire me to keep writing and explore this couple furthur. If you haven't you should read everything she writes. This is not the end of Punk and Raven in this story there is more to come I know Raven is an ass so far and I myself want to punch him in the face but somehow I will find redemption for him, I love him to much to make him irredeemable. Please review! **


	4. Chapter 4

I am swimming in a sea of darkness and I see no way out, no shore in sight. Occasionally I see light and hear voices mainly Colt's yet when I try to go towards this the void I am in seems to close around me. I finally stop fighting and just float listening to the voices when they appear. Colt is the most common, he is talking to me a lot encouraging me to open my eyes, wake up squeeze his hand I want to do these things yet my body does not listen to me. I hear the worry in his voice and wonder why it's there, though what I take the most comfort in is his proclamations of love that tumble from his lips often. I hear others from time to time, Chez, Ace, Joe, Hero, and many others come to talk to me, there is also voices I don't recognize talking in medical jargon I don't bother to try to understand. Now that I have stop fighting the darkness I find it comfortable, it feels safe here like the world can not get to me and I relax allowing myself to drift. I know there is something I should be doing yet I don't have the energy, it seems to be draining away from me and the voices become distant and I have to try to focus in order to hear them. It's at one of these times that I become alarmed Colt is talking and I try to listen it is very difficult now but I hear him and the shock takes over, it's been a week, I've been floating for a week. He is afraid I may never wake up that I am giving up on him. Damn it I refuse to let him think that so I struggle again against the darkness, the void keeps trying to pull me back whenever I feel close to the end, it seems like days that I fight when finally I start to break through.

It's a little thing at first a twitch of a finger, voices being louder, clearer, understanding of the fact I'm in the hospital, a soft steady beep, then granted one of Colt's request and squeezing his hand. His voice becomes very animated and closer he must be in my face, he is demanding I open my eyes and I want to I do but I can't. I slip back slightly in the darkness but then the light is blinding when my eyelid is lifted. I hear a man tell Colt my pupils are reactive and that it is a good sign but not to get his hopes up that they won't know the extent of damage form the swelling until I come too. I understand more now, I am in a coma due to swelling of the brain, I don't fully remember how I got the swelling but a fear washes over me when I try. I want to retreat back to my safe place what if when I wake up I can't talk, walk, or take care of myself. What if I am so damaged I am nothing more than a vegetable? I make myself relax, telling myself I wouldn't be able to think like this if I am a vegetable. I'm still scared but as time slowly goes by the voices in the room multiply and everyone is there talking softly, waiting and Colt's hand is softly stroking my cheek, and the touch cause me to move my head against the touch. The room falls silent and Colt's hand freezes making me frown and I realize its not just in my head bit I am actually frowning. I move my head against his hand insistent, a smile on my face when he begins to move again. "If I give you a kiss will you open your eyes for me? I would really love to see those olive orbs right now." How I want that kiss more than anything so I push past the last of the darkness and nod my head very slowly. I can't see his face but I can almost feel the glow of his smile on my skin. His lips touch mine briefly and I find myself pouting at the slight peck, I want more if he wants my head to explode from the light in the room if I open my eyes. He gives in and kisses me for a bit longer, I smile and take a deep breath trying to find my voice, I clear my throat at the dryness.

"Thirsty" I whisper and almost immediately there is a straw to my lips and Colt is holding my head up. The cool water taste amazing I suck greedily, he pulls away the straw before I am done and I whimper.

"Slowly babe we don't want you to get sick. Now let me see your eyes please I've been waiting for so long." I want to comply but the light creeping through my eyelids is already killing me.

"It's too bright, hurts" I hear rustling and the closing of curtains and click of lights being turned off. The light dims behind my eyes so I venture to open them a crack, damn does that take a lot of energy. I wait for my eyes to adjust before opening them completely blinking at the sand paper feeling. I open my eyes and look towards where Colt's voice had been coming from. He is beaming a smile at me and I think he may be blinking back tears. "Hi" I say to him.

"Hi" he laughs back and there is laughter throughout the room I look around slowly at my friends and family before returning to Colt.

"There you are I've been searching for you forever, but I couldn't find my way too you. I'm sorry I took so long" I go to move my hand to touch him and I can't glancing down I see I'm in restraints and raise a eyebrow pulling at them weakly. Colt's fingers are immediately working to undone the one close to hims and Chez works on the other one.

"It's protocol for coma patients so you don't wake up and start yanking out tubes or important things." I nod not liking it but understanding it none the less. When my hands are free I lift my arm looking at the IV. "it's just saline and nutrients nothing you wouldn't like I made a promise to you and it was kept."

"Promise, I don't remember, how did I get here? Whats wrong with me? How long have I been in a coma?" Colt glances at Ace and Joe and they share a secret conversation with their eyes that I don't like so I force my mind to be clearer and think back to the last thing I remember. "I had a seizure?" At Colt's nod my mind allows the fog to lift more I tense "Rave. . ." his name dies on my lips and I take a deep breath "asshole" I mutter and Colt agrees with me I can see it in his eyes I wait for an answer to my other questions.

"You reinjured your head in a match you shouldn't have been in, your opponent targeted your skull but don't worry he has been handled. You had a seizure due to swelling in the brain and then slipped into a coma, they've been giving you drugs to reduce the swelling, a few days ago you started to respond to us. You've been out for eleven days, I should probably alert the doctor you are awake." Ace stated quickly wanting to drop the Raven conversation I'm sure. I look at Colt confused and do the math.

"I squeezed your hand four days ago?" He nods and smiles at me "It took longer then I thought, I tried my hardest to wake up. Your voice helped me focus though it brought me back." He is beaming and I think I may be helping his ego grow considerably but right now I just want him to hold me he is way too far away so I forced my stiff muscles to move. It takes some struggling but I am able to reach out and grab the front of his shirt, I tug pathetically but he listens and wraps his arms tightly around me. He sits me up gently and the stiffness in my back confirms I've been in bed way too long. He slides onto the bed and I using my little strength pull myself onto his lap. I frown looking down at my lap "I have a catheter in don't I" Colt laughs at my indignant tone but nods again. 'Ugh that has got to go why'd you let them do that to me."

"We will get it out shortly Mr. Brooks but right now I would like the chance to examine you if you don't mind." I look at the older gentlemen and find myself annoyed it most likely means he wants me out of Colt's lap and I just got here.

"I do mind actually, I want to check myself out so can you get all this shit stuck in me out please. My head is fine, slight headache but functioning normally. I want to go home, I know the precautions with a skull fracture and will totally ignore them so just get me discharge papers and a nurse to remove this shit oh and don't call me Mr. Brooks that is my father." Everyone is looking at the doctor I'm sure waiting for a reaction except for Colt who is looking at me with anger across his face. "What?" I ask trying to be innocent "you are not allowed to be mad at the guy who just woke up from a coma."

"Oh I can be mad when you are being obnoxious, a jackass, and an idiot you must have permanent damage up there if you think ten minutes after you wake up from a coma you should be released. Forget it, be nice to the Doctor he had bent a lot of visitation rules, and been very great to all of us. You are not going home, you are going to lay here and heal until that man thinks you should be discharged, let him examine you and if you say no I will be very disappointed in you." Colt has apparently become smart enough to know which of my buttons to push to make me comply to him, that worries me it shifts our very new relationship in a more even direction and I don't like it. I pout sliding off his lap and allowing the doctor to do his job, the IV remains in for the time being but the catheter and several wires are removed from my body. The doctor informs me that if I have no more seizure activity, then perhaps tomorrow I can be released if they think I am up to it. I inform him that I am hungry and he agrees that food would be a good thing. When the nurse brings a tray of food I start at it trying to determine what the hell it is. I wrinkle my nose and look around the room my eyes landing on my sister Chez. "Chez can you do me a favor?" Colt smiles against my shoulder now that I am firmly settled back in his arms. She signs dramatically but stands grabbing her coat.

"What do you want?" I grin and try to think of the one thing in world I want to eat right now besides Colt that is.

"A Chicago Classic from Giordano's sounds amazing right now, the last time I ate I think it was burritos and I didn't finish it due to a fight" I look back at Colt checking my memory and he nods at me.

"Yup though you didn't finish because you went to do the dishes and I wrap it up for you after you stormed off. It is still in the fridge though I doubt you want to eat it now." I laugh and look at Chez.

"I'm going anyone else want a pizza?" Ace, Joe, and Hero all through out what they wanted and I looked at Colt who shook his head no.

"Get him his usual, he will just all of mine if he doesn't have his own." Chez nods and walks off I reach out to grab my glass of juice, I reach it without difficulty but the moment I grab a hold my hand starts to shake and I manage to spill it on Colt and myself. He takes it from my hand holding it to my lips and I look unimpressed at him.

"Your muscles are weak, you can not expect to wake up from a coma and be 100%"

"Yes he can and he does because he thinks he is invincible" states Ace from his seat and I glare sipping my apple juice grateful for the taste filling my mouth.

"I'm sorry" I state to Colt and he raises a eyebrow at me. "I'm sorry for our fight I shouldn't have left, I'm sorry for the last for months, I'm sorry for Connecticut and lots of shit before that, but most of I'm sorry I hurt you" Colt tightens his grip around me and shakes his head,

"Lets not talk about the past right now, lets focus on the future your apology is accepted so lets just forget about it all." I recognize the easy out he is trying to give me but I refuse to let him.

"You've been wanting to have this conversation since Connecticut, so talk to me ask what you need to ask, say what needs to be said so we can really start fresh Colt. Everyone just ask I can't run away right now." My statement is met with silence and no one speaks for several minutes making me uncomfortable finally Ace breaks the silence and I am grateful but also unsure of how to answer him.

"Why Raven? Why did you so willingly fall into his trap?" I want to give some brilliant, intelligent reply but I really don't have one for this question.

"He was there, its really that simple, right place right time, and he knew it. I think he had been watching me for a while waiting for the chance and he saw an opportunity and took advantage of it. To answer another question I don't know why I stayed or went back. My therapist told me that I thought I deserved the beatings that I found comfort it what is normal for me and abnormal to others."

"Your dad abused your mom for years in front of you, you've told me several times that you hate her for being so weak and refusing to leave him" I nod at Colt and wait for the question. "Do you think of yourself as weak and pathetic like you think of her?" I consider this for a moment and give him a shrug.

"I think at times when I go to a dark place I feel like I am weak, not always but sometimes. I believe that's why I find ways to self destruct and lash out at people that care about me."

"You cut yourself" Joe states and I look at him giving a slight nod. "How long have you been doing that and how often?"

"I've been doing it for years, it was bad for a while but colt found out and made me seek some help. It's better then it use to be but still happens from time to time, usually if I feel the urge I just call Colt."

"You admit that you go to dark places, have you ever thought about killing yourself? Do you think maybe you need to seek some help for that. Also in Connecticut why did you go back to him when everything you wanted was there for the taking?" I chewed on my lip noticing the lack of lip ring and frowning. Ace wanted some answer that would be difficult but I promise to answer so I'm going too.

"I've been getting help slowly, my therapist said that I am depressed and have PTSD due to my childhood, that I will most likely always have these mood swings and difficulty being happy but that with time I can learn to deal with them in healthier ways and safer outlets for my frustrations. I've thought about killing myself, I have never tried nor would I ever go through with it." I turn on Colt's arms looking at him. "I wasn't ready in Connecticut to accept your love, I don't guarantee I am now. I'm afraid of this, this feeling of safety and belonging I have with you. I lash out when things go well, I drive people away and make it impossible to stay. I'm not going to lie I've been on the path of hating myself and world for so long that I don't know if I can be in love without trying to destroy it. I make no guarantees here I'm still learning how to love myself and loving you makes that easier but I will mess up, I will lash out at you. If you are willing to take the bad with the good and put up with my bullshit and not give up on me then this could work but if you want out now would be the time to do it because you would only break my heart in the future you'd shatter it." Colt leans down and kisses me, slowly his tongue tangling with mine that is until Ace clears his throat loudly.

"You are worth the effort Phil, I just hope one day you see that for yourself. I'm not giving up on you, or us ever. Just don't forget to talk to me when you feel like throwing a bomb in the relationship maybe we can defuse it before it blows us up. Okay?" I chuckle snuggling into his chest wanting to sleep but the door to the room opens and the smell of pizza hits me reminding my empty stomach of its need for food.

* * *

It is three days later when I am finally released, not that I really know it I'm once again sleeping for hours which is normally apparently. I return to Colt's home, Chez offered me her mom's house again but I turned her down, I haven't really talked to her about Colt and I but I think she realizes, everyone who has come to visit me in the last few days should know, he never leaves my side and I am constantly wrapped around him I think I am afraid he is going to disappear that I will wake up and this will all be a dream. Yet whenever I open my eyes he is here hovering, taking care of me and normally I would hate this but for now I embrace the suffocation of his love.

I spend less time in bed this time, forcing myself past the exhaustion though I do refrain from strenuous activity, though I could think of at least one activity I would gladly engage in but Colt refuses. I am getting sexually frustrated I am guy and this injury is putting my amorous side on hold, well Colt is at least. I really hope he is not waiting the sixteen months I am suppose to be sitting on the couch getting fat before we can have sex again. I'm so not going without wrestling for that long, I've canceled some dates but plan on going back in September. Though I have a feeling I may have to sneak out of the damn house though I hope to have my own place by then. Colt doesn't like this idea wants me to live with him, but this is so new and I think hoping into a relationship with living together could be disastrous. I'll need my space for those times when he feels like he has to fix me and I have no desire to be fixed. I wonder sometimes if he thinks I am nothing more then a broken mess, a vase shattered on the ground that he is responsible for gluing back together. I don't like it at all it seems like his mission is to save me and I'm worried this is the basis of his feelings. That god forbid he actually fixed me then what, would he leave for his next project? Maybe I'll just stay broken to spite him, then he will never leave.

Okay stupid, idiotic thoughts I know but I'm a paranoid fucker lately after everything with Raven I am doubting myself and my judgment, on top of that Colt denying my advances makes me wonder if he finds me attractive. I mean I'm a guy with tattoo's piercing and bleach blonde hair that occasionally is blue, purple, or whatever color I feel like. I'm too skinny and no matter how much I work out I don't get the muscular cut of my friends. I own very little clothes, I'm quite happy in pair of shorts an old t=shirt and a hoodie. I come from a dysfunctional home, I'm angry, arrogant, shy, outspoken, and a complete riddle. Why the fuck would he a guy who is attractive and seemingly normal want me, a walking conundrum. Ugh I need to stop with this self-doubt shit it is what destroys all my relationships, well accept with Raven but he managed to kill that himself. Mostly it is me they start talking love and I wonder why they love me, Who the hell could love me, I don't even love me. Okay stopping going to focus on the lame ass movie Colt is watching, while drinking my Pepsi from the red solo cup he is so proud of, he has enough for a freaking year. I won't mention how he came across this supply but lets just say it was free. He is so proud because it means less dishes for me since that is now an ongoing argument the man can dirty every dish in the house and not wash the damn things. It is bad enough I am the chick in the bedroom, well if we ever. . . Now I'm the chick bitching about the dishes, and taking out the trash, hell it would be nice if he would just bring his dirty crap to the sink so I don't have to go track it the fuck down. In fact there is now a dirty plate on the coffee table and damn it I'm pissed.

I glare at the plate, then I glare at him back and forth I go yet he seems to not notice at least I think so but then he sighs grabbing the plate and going to the kitchen. Ha I win! A knock takes me out of my silent gloating and I wonder to the door going to open it when Colt barks at me. "Fucking peep hole Punk, you never know who could be on the other side." I know he is right but it still pisses me off that he barks at me like I am a five year old.

"If it is another one of your ex's that you remained just friends with I'm going to punch them" I inform Colt, in the last few days I've met several of them, who just drop by how the hell he stays friends with his ex's is beyond me, most of mine would like to set my car on fire with me inside. I check the small circle and see Chez and Joe, I'm curious about this as they seem to have gotten close and I am so not okay with one of my best friends, who is slut dating my sister. I need to nip this in the ass quickly though right now is not the time having to focus through the peep hole makes my head hurt and the room spins, my balance is still off but should eventually go back to normal. I grab the door frame putting my free hand to my head I groaned and turn slowly to go to the couch. Fuck the door Colt can get it. I lay on the couch and wait for this spell to pass, Colt lets the duo in and I want to scream as they whisper to each other, loudest fucking whispers in the world dumb asses. Colt is beside me and asking if I want a pain killer, so far my refusal for the easy relief is irritating to him he doesn't like to see me in pain I get that but true till death damn it. I cross my forearms into a x and hold them up to him. He shakes his head at me but drops it allowing me to suffer on my own.

I look over to Joe and Chez suspicious of the closeness as they sit on the floor, I'm lying on the only furniture in the room and have no plans to sit up to allow them to join me. Colt comes back into the room lifting my feet and plopping down. I give him a questioning look and glance at the duo, he shrugs but studies the two I wait for his conclusion knowing he will give me one shortly. When he nods I wrinkle my nose and sit up slightly so I can look into Joe's eyes. "I'm not okay with you dating, and or sleeping with my sister, in fact if you do I will beat the shit out of you." I see the guilt fill Joe's face and know he is already sleeping with her. "Son of a bitch" I state and go to stand Colt keeps me on the couch.

"Nope, no beating anyone up or you'll end up back in the hospital. You've made yourself clear and if he is a true best friend the sex stops now." I sigh but settle back down, Chez who had been quiet since she arrived spoke up for the first time.

"I'm not okay with you dating Colt, so I guess that makes us even" I turn to look at her the anger has to be evident on my face but she is giving it right back to me. Colt and Joe are both silent and I feel my blood pressure rising increasing the pounding in my head.

"Make her leave, she is a bitch" I say this to Colt because if I spoke to her an all out war is going to start. I hear her scoff and go to stand, she may be my best and oldest friend but she does not get to do this in my home. I know it is hypercritical to say she can't date Joe but hey I knew him first.

"I'm a bitch, please you're an ass, a huge ass. I'm sorry I don't like what is going on here, you are just going to break Colt's heart and then he will no longer be in our lives and the rest of us are stuck with the consequences of your "relationship" because lord knows you are going to fuck it up. You always do, its pathetic." She is lashing out at me and I get that we do this to each other from time to time and her words hurt more than they should. Maybe it's because they hit to close to home and my paranoia. This causes me to lash out harsher then I would normally.

"Really Chez nice, is this about the damn high school crush you have on me? Aren't you over it by now, I didn't want to fuck you then don't want to know. It's kind of pathetic to hang on to that I don't do ugly chicks, unlike Joe who will sleep with anything with a pulse." Yes she had a crush when we first met, one I ignored and I thought had gone away but the look on her face told me differently. "fuck it really is about that isn't it? You still want to sleep with me? Damn Chez just so you hear it from me, and know its the truth despite how obvious it is I'm gay. Newer development in my life, but very gay." She is pouting and blinking back tears and I feel slightly bad but some times being blunt is the only way to go.

"No chance ever, absolutely gay?" I nod at her question but find myself rubbing the back of my neck at her next question. "Can I have your sperm?" I look at Joe for answers he is the one fucking her he seems shocked and is sliding slightly away. "I don't mean now, I mean someday if I don't get married, will you be my sperm donor, like years down the road." I'm not sure how to respond to that, it's flattering and having a child one day may be good but where the hell did this conversation come from.

"I. . .I... I can't promise you that right now, talk to me when I'm not suffering from brain damage and closer to the time you want kids. Right now that is just fucked up."

"Okay thanks oh and I still don't like this, citing the same reasons as before. Plus butt out as far as Joe and I go we are doing our own thing."I try not to respond to let this go because really her opinion shouldn't matter but it does.

"You know what fuck you. You just ask me to father your children but I'm not good enough to be in a relationship with someone I love. Because that is what you are saying I'm not good enough, I'm too damaged. Go to hell, if you want to be with Joe great hope he breaks your fucking heart. Though I think he is rethinking you at the moment after this, since you are fucking crazy." I go to stand and the room spins again I clutch the arm of the couch and look at Colt. "Bedroom please I don't want to be in the room with either of them at the moment." Colt immediately comes and aids me, once I'm comfortable on the bed he leaves and I can hear the raised voices in the living room. Colt is informing Chez where she can go and twenty different ways to get there. I laugh at some of his statements but feel good by how fiercely he is defending me. I think I may have just giggled, I don't giggle yet when Colt called my sister a douche pickle I couldn't help it. The door opens and I see Joe walk into the room, he flops onto the bean bag chair in the corner and I raise a eyebrow.

"I'm sorry it was just a one time thing, happened while you were in a coma. I think it was a comfort thing, so I'm sorry I'm an ass and it will never happen again, really won't as she seems to be in love with you. Which is a revelation that is surprising but not at the same time. Dude she just asked you for your sperm, which I think Colt may kill her for." I can't help but laugh this whole situation is absurd.

"I had no clue she still felt that way, I thought I nip that in the ass years ago. Apology accepted, hell I was worried about her being hurt, but now I would watch your back. I'll talk to Mom she must be off her meds or something. No way in hell is she ever going to get my swimmers but don't tell her she'll go all psycho. What are you up too? If you stop by to check on me, I'm okay its slow going but my reflexes and balance are improving should be back to wrestling in no time but don't tell Colt he will chain me to the bed if he knew I am even thinking about it." Joe laughed loudly and I hear the front door slam, I raise an eyebrow and look at Joe. "Hope she wasn't your ride." Joe holds up car keys and shakes his head.

"Nah I'm hers at least I was, having a feeling she is calling a cab. Will you two be okay?" I nod at him and smirk.

"Yup I'm used to her particular brand of crazy it goes well with my own, we will both forget this ever happened in a few days. Hell the sperm thing is most likely her attempt to shut me up though it didn't work." Colt comes into the bedroom and flops down beside me shaking his head muttering about crazy chicks and how I attract them. I agree with him and look at Joe again shrugging as I snuggle into Colt. Joe then asks something that gets me excited.

"So myself and a few of the boys were thinking of going out this weekend and we could use a d/d any volunteers." I haven't been out with the guys in forever and there is usual a ton of laughter and hijinks that go along with the outing so I raise my hand.

"I volunteer sounds awesome, what night?" Colt puts my hand down and shakes his head no I roll my eyes he is so going to be a party pooper right now.

"Umm hello you can't stand very long without getting dizzy, you can't drive yet not with dizzy spells, you never stay awake that long, and a club could have flashing strobe lights that could cause another seizure so no you are staying home." I think about his argument and he may have some valid points.

"Okay we will go to a bar without strobe lights, they have those ya know. I'll sit in the bar not like I'm going to be shaking it on the dance floor. Your coming with so you can drive, and I promise to stay awake. Please babe just say yes." I see the evil glance he gives Joe before he responds.

"Alright but only if you can prove that you can stay up for at least eight hours at a time before Friday, then I will believe you are getting better." I light up and look at the clock.

"Okay I've been up for two hours only another six to go and when I do this I want something else. Joe just text the info Friday morning." Colt is looking confused and finally asks what else I want. I smirk and glancing at Joe I shrug. "I want sex, I want you inside of me making me cum." Joe who is in a middle of a drink spits it across the room, and out his nose coughing. He stands and looks at us, Colt looks annoyed and I'm sure I have a smirk on my face.

"Gotta go see you guys Friday, have fun losing Colt." I laugh because Joe knows me and now that the terms are on the table I will win. I give Colt a look waiting for him to agree.

"Fine"

"Fine" I state back reaching over I grab a comic book determined to win this challenge. Though I knew it was going to be along night, I already wanted to fall asleep and my head is still pounding.

* * *

**I think the next chapter is going to be Colt's POV he is very adamant he needs to tell his side of the story. My Chez is typically a little crazy, because in my opinion who could be best friends with Punk and not be all over that lol. Sober Punk and drunk friends coming soon and I'm sure tons of hijinks. Also still trying to figure out how to make Raven a good guy any ideas let me know.**


	5. Chapter 5

**Okay a few things here, this is Colt's POV on many things that have happened so far, I normally don't put songs in my fics but Jack White's Love is Blindness needed to be included. Disclaimers in first chapter. I hope all you awesome people review and enjoy. **

* * *

_Love is blindness,  
I don't wanna see  
Won't you wrap the night  
Around me  
Oh, my heart  
Love is blindness._

Love is blindness or so they say, yet I do not believe this, it seems to me that when you are in love you see more, their faults, their lies, their truths all stand out however because you love them to the depths of your soul, you forgive what you shouldn't, you forgive easily. That is where I currently am, see I love a man who is currently fighting sleep despite a very serious injury just to prove me wrong. Yet instead of throwing my hands in the air and relenting I remain silent occasionally throwing out a joke when he is about to drift off, why do I keep him awake because he doesn't like to lose and if he does that I get cranky, asshole Punk. Instead of take care of me, cuddling Punk. I prefer snugly Punk over biting my head off Punk. I think back over the last few months and I have had my fill of the jerk, I need the man I know is in love with me. Here is the thing though, I seldom get that man, instead I get the man who pushes me away, who fights everything that is good for him, who is self destructive, angry and can play the most intense mind games with a person. It is frustrating, to the point where I have thought of walking away. Why do I stay I questioned almost on a daily bases, the answer is simple I wouldn't want him any other way, I am in love with this man for who he is and all the interesting facets of his complex personality gives me a challenge that I need in a relationship. If that is what we can currently define this as a relationship, I'm not sure really. Punk wants sex he has made that clear, he likes to cuddle and kiss, he tells me he loves me and lives in my house, in my bed. Yet I don't feel this is a relationship, I'm waiting holding my breath for him to explode, like a star leaving a black hole behind and in the process he will suck our relationship down with him.

_I'm in a parked car__  
__On a crowded street,__  
__And I see my love__  
__Made complete.__  
__The thread is ripping__  
__The knot is slipping.__  
__Love is blindness._

I know this, I feel it coming as he gets healthier, see Punk can not be happy for long, if he settles into a space of comfort and peace then he lashes out, if Punks life is not spinning out of control then he finds a reason to make it happen. Right now our thing is on a cliff, just waiting for him to push it over and why is that, because he is not ready for this. I knew it going into the night in Connecticut yet I still lit all those cheesy candles, which by the way were not something I had in my bag, I literally ran in a blizzard to the nearest store and bought the bitches out of every candle possible. Connecticut what a fucking night of fear, misery, and ecstasy. You see when Punk ran out, into a blizzard I chased after him, but damn the fucker can run. So after a while I returned to the hotel, looking like Frosty the fucking snowman. At this point I'm scared, and thinking that this scrawny ass bleached blonde love of my life is lying on the side of the road dying from hypothermia. When Ace finally found him, I have never felt so revealed or pissed off at the same time. He was barely coherent, and the bruises on his pale skin seem to stand out more, at that moment I knew I was going to kill Raven, and that Punk and I need to have a talk. Yet instead of talking I allowed Joe and Ace to get him in the shower, and off to the store I went. See I was either going to fuck the living hell out of my obsession or strangle him that night. Fucking seem the better choice, or course that isn't what happened instead we connected in this really intense mystical way, and I thought aha here it is the thing that has been missing for both of us. Yet the next morning he fought with me, why because Punk can not deal with feelings he doesn't understand. I let him go despite the fact Ace beat the shit out of me for that decision.

_Love is clockworks,__  
__And it's cold steel__  
__Fingers too numb to feel__  
__Squeeze the handle__  
__Blow out the candle__  
__Blindness_

Ace despite his I don't give a fuck attitude has a soft spot for Punk, he saw potential in this skinny kid, and now a few years later he sees him as a brother, a son, someone to protect. If you know Punk long enough you want to protect him while he is throwing grenades at his life, you take the blast while he stands uninjured. The shrapnel is a bitch, and at times feels to deep to ever be heal yet somehow he cures every wound. So I got the shit beat out of me, and lectures for months while waiting for Punk to come back. Joe, what would I have done without Joe. He dragged my ass out of bed everyday, forced me to the gym, forced me to wrestle when all I wanted to do was curl up in a ball and wait for Punk to come back to me. Joe is who finally convinced me to go to him, that was why I was in New Jersey. I only caught a glimpse of him before he took off but I knew something was wrong, he was unsteady on his feet, pale, and kept a hand to his head as if he was in pain. I tried to talk to the promoter pull him from the card I begged but I got ignored and when he collapsed I wanted to shout, told ya so fucker. Instead I talked to him, touched him and breathed him in for the first time in so long. I noticed fading bruises, fresh bruises, and cuts it made me wonder how far gone Raven was. I would find out when we are informed Punk has a fractured skull, not an easy bone to fucking break and its not fresh.. Reckless Youth is taking the fall for this yet it was Raven he doesn't have to say it for me to understand. I watch as the orderly tries to give him something for the pain and can't help but to bark in laughter at the weak ass punch, he barely touches the guy but seems pretty proud of himself so I let it go.

He demands to be released and I find myself in a hotel room arranging with Chez to get him home, to an air conditioned house, in darkness. I hear the knock at the door and I wasn't surprised, see while Punk slept Raven called and called, he texted more then I can recall, some very nasty shit I will never repeat. So I may have challenged him, told him where we were and if he wanted Punk to come and get him. I don't know who threw the first punch in that hallway I just know I threw the last and as Punk pulled me away I looked at the pitiful man who obviously was on a binge I felt sorry for the fucker. I am so over that feeling now, yet at the moment I could tell he was trying to cling to Punk, the only light in his life, the one thing keeping him grounded. The fact that when Raven looks at Punk he sees light, youth, a way to survive surprises me and makes me reevaluate, see Punk isn't that for me he is the part that can kill my eternal optimism, make a joke die on my lips, he is the darkness, the anger, the passion, the other half of me, he reflects my darker self. When we return to the room, and his head is in my lap I am tired to the core of me. I wonder how long I will be the only one fighting for our love, and if he isn't right and I should just give up and find happiness, yet without him I am miserable with him he is my happiness.

I take care of him, putting my whole world on pause to be by his side while he sleeps, and it gives me way too much time to think. He once told me Phil and Punk were not always one in the same yet they are because he doesn't know how to separate them. I wonder if he thinks I am in love with Punk, or Phil. Phil or Punk it doesn't matter to me because they are one even if he can't see this. I help him until he starts to be stronger, and then I take him home with me like a stray and we fall into a routine one that is as easy as breathing to me. I take care of him because he is fragile, he always has been he needs someone to take care of him. He has always been strong, taking care of himself when the world lets him down, yet at the same time breaking himself I'm not sure how one can be so strong, and fragile at the same time. I know he doesn't see him self right, when I over hear the conversation with Marshal and he doesn't dispute his words, Punk thinks he is not good enough for me, that he is trash and I'm going to leave, well one man's trash is another man's treasure and to me Punk will always be a treasure. The text from Raven leaves me reeling though, the whole night sends me for a fucking loop and I wonder how to get off the ride that my life has turned into.

Hearing him scream for me, begging for help I have never felt so weak, or afraid, I can barely breathe as I search for him, Raven's words are chilling me to the core, and I hear from a distance Punk stand up to him yet I can't reach him. I can't find the man I love, but I am able to hear the terror in his voice. When Ace calls and tells me he found him, I break every driving law in the world to get to him. Before I go into that bathroom to pick up the broken pieced of Punk I go into the kitchen and see the bloody battle field. Joe stands between Raven and myself but a simple warning and he is moving I grab the bloody knife and hold it to the man's throat and I threaten him with everything I can. I promise if he comes near Punk again I will kill him, and every part of me means it. I have never hated somebody with such passion, with a fury, and anger that I need to end a life. Yet this is where Punk has taken me on a path to hate, a path to love, and a path to insanity all together merged into the path to Punk.

_Love is blindness  
I don't wanna see  
Won't you wrap the night  
Around me  
Oh my love  
Blindness_

When he collapses after confessing everything I've wanted to hear I'm lost. As he convulses and goes in and out of consciousness my heart freezes. It remains that way until he finally opens those eyes again. Eleven days I forgot how to breath, eleven days my blood was nothing more then ice in my veins. Eleven days of torture, and hell eleven days of knowing what death must feel like. When he opened his eyes I was alive again, reborn, hopeful. Yet as he heals that hope leaves me for I see the look in his eyes, he is growing distant and it may not be long before he slips through my fingers again. He wants me to be with him, but he is so fragile I would never forgive myself if I hurt him more, plus I may be protecting my heart can I be with him, and let him go once again. Yet still I took the stupid bet, maybe because I am a glutton for punishment, I wonder what sin I committed in a past life that I am being punished for now. Why I would be cursed to love a man who can't love himself enough to accept my love.

_A little death  
Without mourning  
No call  
No Warning  
Baby, a dangerous idea...  
Almost makes...sense_

His face lights up and he sets the comic down, I wonder what has made him so happy then I look at the clock, he made it he won. Now he is going to want to collect his prize. He slides over on to my lap and my hearts skips a beat. This closeness is what is going to leave me devastated once again. "I win" he states this with a lazy smile on his face and I can't help kissing him gently. He consumes me, his passion, need, and desire overtake my senses. He wants more and my body reacts to him easily yet I push him back and stand. He is pouting when I turn around and I can't help but chuckle.

"You look like someone just stole your favorite lollypop" I state opening the dresser searching for something.

"They did now get back over hear so I can suck on you. You are the best flavor in the world." I try to fight off the blush as I find the lube tossing it to him. I lick my lips slowly, last time was slow and gentle I have a feeling this time will be anything but, we've both been holding back for so long that I feel ready to com-bust. I remove my clothing and take in every inch as he does the same, he is hard and waiting but I take a moment to drink him in. I could be intoxicated by the sight of this man, his legs alone should be criminal. Those calf's, those thighs, god damn this man is a walking Adonis. He needs to be licked and kissed, worship so I do starting with that beautiful calf, my mouth trails hot kisses, licks, and nips all over the soft skin. I male my way up tasting exploring eery inch of him, finding the place behind his knee makes him squirm when I suck or press on the skin. He is moaning, pulling on my hand to encourage me but I ignore him and go to his other leg, giving it the same worship. I run my tongue along the small scars on his inner thigh and look up at him.

_Love is drowning  
In a deep web  
All the secrets  
And no body else to tell  
Take the money  
Why don't you honey  
Blindness_

"Never again" I inform him "If you need pain come to me I will gladly bite you, or fuck you through the damn bed. You will never cut this beautiful skin again it is too perfect for that. Do you understand." His eyes are filled with passion and he nods but I persist. "Promise Phil, you never break your promises."

"I promises" he whimpers and I skip over the area he wants my mouth moving to his stomach I give it the same worship as his legs received. I love ho he is no ripped the softness of the skin, I suck on his belly button ring and he arches so I give it an experimental tug finding this is very sensitive his cock is now leaking fluid and I give it a quick lick before resuming my task. His nipples are sensitive and I enjoy tugging on those rings, sucking, biting until Punk is a withering mess. My lips are on his neck and he is begging promising me anything if I hurry the fuck up. I'm going to make good on that promise someday soon.

_Love is blindness,  
I'm so sick of it,  
I don't wanna see  
Why don't you just take the night  
And wrap it all around me, now  
Oh my love  
Blindness_

I pop the cap on bottle of lube, smearing my cock while I leave marks all over his neck. My knees spread his leg wider and I lean up thrusting into Punk til I am completely buried. He hisses with the lack of prep as he struggles to accommodate me. I don't give him much time before I am moving inside of him, he pace is hard and fast but aimed for his sweet spot. I know there is pain for him, but the pleasure is overtaking it and he is moving with me and I have a desire to see this hot little body riding me so I flip us over. He easily takes the cue, keeping my rhythm and speed I watch his body glisten in the light of the moon, his eyes normally guarded completely open to me. I see the love and it once again fills me with hope, but someone once said hope is a thing with feathers, and I know this feeling is fleeting. His body slams down onto mine and I am rising up to meet him, our pace is brutal but neither of us will be denied our release, he comes without warning, I think even shocking himself as no one has touched his cock when it releases on my stomach. I am not ready for this to be done yet so I slow, running my finger through his cum I scope some up and hold it out to him, he doesn't hesitate to lick my fingers clean. I slam my mouth against his tasting his essence as it mingles with out tongues.

I roll him back over and continue my assault on his ass, I get him to cum twice more our bodies now sticky with his essence. I am holding back till it is almost painful but I love watching his face as he erupts, and knowing that the only thing that is causing this is me inside of him. When I finally release inside of him he whimpers. He holds me as I come down, still hard himself. As soon as the aftershocks have passed I make my way down his body my tongue lapping at his semen drinking it from his belly. I bypass his hardness and my tongue slides into his ass, licking, plowing tasting myself inside of him. His breathing is become harsher so I back up and engulf his hard dick with my mouth as far as I can, he is clutching the sheets and I slide three fingers into his abused hole, immediately finger fucking against his prostate. This time when he cums I get my prize, he screams my name several times as I drink him down. I milk him with my mouth, my fingers until I get another weak eruption from him. I finally sit up looking at him, and god like this so undone I am positive he is mine to keep forever. I retrieve a wash cloth and wash our bodies, he watches me with lazy tired eyes, I toss the cloth across the room snuggling into him. He wraps himself around me "I love you" his words fill me and I am whole again.

Love is blindness, maybe they are right because I don't want to see, as Punk drifts off to sleep all I can think is love is blindness.

_Oh, I'm too numb to feel...__  
__Blow out the candle.__  
__Blindness._

* * *

**Okay so my Colt muse is very torn, but so in love with Punk he can't think straight. I know Colt is a very amusing, and optimistic guy but this is his inner most thoughts and I am jumping on the fact that I have the belief that he is very deep under the humor. I hope you all enjoyed this chapter going back to Punk's POV but I have a feeling Colt will be demanding his time again soon. Please review.**

** Lamentomori thank you for the reviews, I think Punk does think his worth is by how much he gets to have sex, at least my muse does. He likes to be wanted and when he is denied he throws a temper tantrum worse then a two year old. I'm struggling with redemption for Raven, you may be right that is is not possible with this story. I hope I did Colt POV justice for you he is not quite corporating the way I wish he would sometimes. He demands a chapter and then refuses to give input, ugh Colt muses. Thank you for the high praise it means a lot coming from you.**


	6. Chapter 6

Colt is making it very difficult to read him lately, there are times when he seems very distant, and other moments when he is over attentive to the extreme. As we get ready to head out to the bar that I now have no desire to go to I think back over the last few days, did I do something wrong? Yet nothing comes to mind if anything we had fallen into a comfortable routine. After I won the bet, thanks to Colt I never would have made it through eight hours yet, hell I spent most of the day sleeping in preparation for tonight. We had mind blowing sex, more than once in the last few days, we went for a few walks and he let me get a leg workout in the gym under his strict supervision. I had been no more of an ass than usual yet he is pulling away from me. This is irritating and scary at the same time I don't want to lose him yet, the inevitable can wait for a while longer right. Colt comes out of the bathroom and I whistle appreciatively god this man is sexy even if he doesn't see it himself. He is dressed up, and looking polished, while I stand here in old jeans, a superhero t-shirt and black hoodie. My hair is in desperate need of some TLC, my roots are dark and growing out quickly the once blue has faded and I have it thrown under a bandana. Great I look like a criminal next to him, I swear if I had nicer clothing I would go change. "Stop with the self-deprecating shit you have going on in your head right now Phil"

"What?"

"You heard I'm tired of you putting your self down and thinking you're not good enough, hell you think it so often that I can read your fucking thoughts. Get over it! no one is fucking perfect and you are good enough for me I wish you would fucking learn that. Now are you ready, cause I am and I want to get this over with, I don't even want to hang out with these fuckers." He marches out the front door and I am left standing there in slight shock, Colt doesn't talk to me like that ever! What the hell just happened, granted it is hot as hell that he tried to put me in my place but damn he has never been so forceful with me, others yes never with me and once again I am worried. I follow him out into the hallway and once again wonder what the hell.

Colt is silent on the way to the bar, but once we arrive he is back to his normal joking self, Telling stories, being the life of the group I sit beside of him nursing my Pepsi and analyzing every move he makes out of the corner of my eye. I watch as my friends get shit faced, Homicide keeps telling me that he loves me and I am the best. That is how far gone he is right now, hopefully he doesn't piss on someone tonight. After a few hours I am exhausted and wonder if Colt is right if this was too much too soon but it feels good, normal hanging with my friends. Colt heads to the bar to get the next round and I watch as a guy approaches him, at first I think nothing of it but I recognize flirting when I see it. We are in boys town tonight, a place where we can be ourselves and not get bothered so this guy is hitting on my boyfriend. I watch Colt and my hand squeezes the glass I hold tighter when I realize he is flirting back.

I watch and find the room closing in on me, Ace is suddenly up and over to the bar his arm flung around Colt's shoulder. The guy walks away and Colt is obviously saying something to Ace but my mentor shrugs and grabs the glasses returning with Colt to the table. I don't say anything, its irrational too react to the jealousy coursing through my veins, so I focus on the conversation and let out a groan. They are talking about lap dances more specifically the one Colt and I gave some chick at a show. It was embarrassing, and Colt was into it way more than I was, I swear he would be stripper if he wasn't a wrestler. Ace comes up with an idea and I shake my head no. No way am I getting involved with a lap dance contest, however Colt, Ace, and Homicide all love the idea and next thing I know they are taking bets on who can give the most lap dances by the end of the night. I think it is the stupidest idea I've ever heard and this is confirmed when all three stand and go off to offer free lap dances to people. Colt is giving lap dances, quite a few and my temper is rising, almost to the point of bubbling over. Joe is trying to make conversation, I think he is trying to desperately distract me, it is not working in the least. Colt approaches the guy who had been hitting on him earlier and the glass in my hand shatters I don't really notice the pain from the cuts as I stand.

Joe is trying to pull me back down, trying to press a napkin into my palm but I ignore this heading across the bar. I get halfway when Ace is in front of me and Homicide is dragging Colt away from the man. "Move" I growl and Ace shakes his head blocking my every attempt.

"Nope not going to let you do something you will regret, lets just go we can head out and grab some food." I glare at the man but turn as soon as Ace drops his guard however I am across the room and punching the hell out of the guy. He tries to land a few blows which I deflect, arms pull me back and I struggle wanting to get my hands back on the asshole who is looking at me with a smirk.

"Hell if I had known he had a bitch like you at home when he said he had a boyfriend I would have tried harder to get his number." The arms release me and I am back on top of the guy getting in a few more punches before I'm pulled away again. I leave the guy in a bloody mess reluctantly pulled from the bar. The arms have a firm lock on me as we head up the block, it is not Ace, Joe, or D who hold me so it can only be one person. I push at Colt's hands but he doesn't release in fact he tightens them to the point of hurting me.

"Let go" I hiss digging my nails into his arm, a bitch move I know but I'm pisses at him. He doesn't react though until I turn my head and sink my teeth into his upper arm. I'm let go suddenly. His arm yanked away from my mouth.

"Fuck Phil, grow the hell up." I don't comment to afraid I will say something I regret, I just continue up the sidewalk walking past the lot where we are parked. I hear some footsteps trail off and look to my side Ace being the only one still with me.

"Where you heading?" I glare and then punch him square in the jaw, being drunk and not expecting the blow he falls to his ass.

"Lap dance contest, really fucking brilliant. Are you a fucking teenager who gets his kicks out of ridiculous displays of sexuality in public!" I'm exasperated by all of this, it should have been a good night instead I'm miserable and fighting with not only Colt but most likely all of them. As soon as the name Colt is in my head I stormed back towards him, shoving him. "please explain why you think giving lap dances in a bar is acceptable, not to mention flirting in front of me. How would you like if we went back and I gave half the bar a chance to grope me? Oh and on top of that please tell me why you have been a total jerk to me the last few days." At least Colt looks sheepish and seems to be regretting his behavior. I wait for an answer and when none is forth coming I brush past him heading back to the bar, determined to make my point, I'll give the whole fucking bar lap dances if that is what it takes. He of course stops me before I get to far.

"I'm sorry okay, I wasn't thinking and didn't realize you were the jealous type. Will never happen in the future. I haven't been being a jerk to you though don't know why you think that." I studied him in the moonlight, and shitty street lights.

"Liar, and you don't lie well. Do you want to be with me? Are you breaking up with me because if you are just do it and get it over with." Colt doesn't respond again and I laugh rolling my eyes. "Fine guess that tells me everything I need to know, I'll get my shit out tomorrow, have a great life Cabana " He blocks me when I go to storm off gripping my arm.

"Is it that easy for you? To walk away from me, from us? I want to be with you, I fucking love you but I wonder if you feel the same. It's like you are waiting for the other shoe to fall, waiting for me to fucking end it so you don't have too. You want to leave it is on you Phil, not me. I want you, I love you and so what I'm a little distant and you run for the hills. Pathetic!" Again not use to him lashing out at me, and I find myself blinking back tears. How often had I heard I was pathetic from people I care about, my mother, my father, Raven and now Colt. I push past him and just start running he is the only one sober enough to chase after me and he doesn't.

* * *

The cold hotel room is quiet except for my sobs and my phone ringing insistently, its Colt's ring tone and I am not answering it. He can go fuck himself, I am so tired of the people in my life hurting me. I'm not going back to his place I will send somebody to get my stuff. This may be an over reaction I know this we had a fight couples fight, but I'm hurt and I don't do hurt well at all. A knock on the door startles me although I have been expecting it. The one person I called when I checked in, I knew would come. I wipe at my eyes and go to the door flinging it open. Raven stands there looking surprising put together and sober for him. I let him in the room and he hugs me tightly, I immediately break down all over again. He sits on the bed and I curl into his lap and cry, thinking that this may indeed be pathetic the man tried to kill me, rape me, yet here I am turning to him for comfort. When I finally compose myself he is studying me. "Why'd you call me?" I shrug and sit back against the headboard. "Why are you in some dumpy hotel when you could be with the man you love having great make up sex?" I'm startled and unsure how to answer him. So I deflect the question going for a safer topic.

"You look good"

"Well rehab can do that for you. Being sober does wonders for a guy, although it sucks not to have my favorite coping skills. I need to say a couple things to you and I would like you to keep your mouth shut until I'm done. I'm sorry for so many things Phil, I used you when I wasn't feeling very good about myself, I took my anger and frustrations out on you in some very unhealthy ways. I hurt you but it was never about you it was my own insecurities. I need you to know that night I almost killed you I will forever regret, I was on a binge and mixing some drugs that caused me to black out rage. I only know the details because Ace made sure I would, he helped me into rehab. You have some great friends and people around you. I used your body, I used your innocence and love and I will forever regret this. I hope one day you can forgive me but I know it will take time." I'm silent trying to process this is not the way I imagined the night going. How did everything get so fucked.

"I used you too, I wanted Colt to notice to see that I could be in a relationship. I wanted to feel good, and you being so you made it easy to feel superior and better about myself. I love Colt, I'm not saying I never loved you but Colt is my soul mate I think." Raven chuckled and rolled his eyes at me.

"If you truly believe that why are you sitting in a hotel room with a guy who hurts you and not making up with him. You're right you guys are meant for each other I just wonder why you keep pushing him away. Why when things go good you jump ship, ya didn't do that with me. Hell all the shit, the fights, the abused you stuck by my side. You tried to help me, fix me. Are you scared that this time you may be the one needing fixing? That Colt has it together more than you do? That Colt is going to love you unconditionally and you just may have a chance at happiness?" I contemplate his words and wonder when Raven got so wise and I became an open book.

"I guess all the above, I'm not ready I should have never told him I was. I may never be ready."

"Bull shit, who is ever ready for their life to be uprooted, to fall in love, to meet the one but people do it every day. They swallow the fear and take a chance, they stick it out and even if they get hurt they try again. People do this Punk because love is worth it, I know you have shitty experiences with love but tell me do you honestly think Colt is like the others. Do you think he is going to walk away abandon you? Do you think he is going to go out of his way to hurt you? Yes in the heat of the moment you may lash out, you may freak out but what happens after is what matters. If you can honestly tell me Colt isn't what you want then I will take you to Philly right now, we will try again." Raven pulls something out of his jacket pocket and tosses it to me. I stare at the faded fabric, it is the t-shirt I took on that day in Connecticut. Colt scent is still on it, faded but there. Unless that scent is on me now, a part of me. I know what I need to do so I smile at Raven.

"Thank you" he stands and gives me a hug. I kiss his cheek gently hugging him tightly.

"I'm gonna go, but tell me when I leave here you are going to Colt." I shake my head no.

" Not tonight, not for a while. I got some shit to deal with, But I will go back. I'm gonna call him when you leave, we do need to talk I just hope I can find the right words so he doesn't give up on me. Goodbye Scott, be happy" He hugs me one more time and whisper in my ear.

"Goodbye Phil, let yourself be happy. I love you." It seems so finally and yet when Raven leaves I feel like a weight has been lifted off me. The guilt of not making it work, of failing at a relationship fades and I wonder what else wasn't my fault. Instead of calling Colt I stand and call a cab I need resolution and I need it to start tonight. I give the driver my parents address and take a deep breath hoping I won't regret this.

* * *

I knock on the door to the house, it's funny I haven't been here in so long yet here I am waiting. I'm not sure what I'm waiting for its middle of the night they may not even open the door. Last time I was here flooded my mind my father had just gotten home from work; well what he called work it was really drinking at the bar. He lost his job months before but he continued to go off to work every day not informing us, he'd come home every night reeking of alcohol and stale cigarettes. This went on for months with my mother ignoring the obvious problem, until that fateful night when he decided to beat the shit out of her. This wasn't anything new or that I hadn't seen before but that night I had enough, I got between her and him protecting the woman I found to be weak, pathetic, and helpless. A few hours later I ended up on Chez's doorstep, bleeding angry and kicked out of my home, I moved in with my best friend and never went back. So why was I standing here on this doorstep waiting because maybe here I could find answers.

The door opened and I stood staring into the shocked face of my mother, I haven't seen her in years and she seemed older the gray hair more prominent the wrinkles around her eyes, she seemed different... fragile. She spoke softly and I knew it was to not wake my father "Phil what are you doing here?" I took a deep breath and thought about turning away hell I thought about running but for some reason my feet remain stuck to the welcome mat beneath me.

"I came to see you, I came to see dad. I needed to find something out, I need to know if it was my fault. The beatings the abuse all of it was it on me? Did you two ever love me or was I a burden? I know you guys love my brother but I seem like an afterthought. It always seem like you cared more about him than me, that you thought of me as disposable. I know I haven't seen you in years but I think I deserve answers I want them from both of you." I see my father now hovering in the background I wasn't being quiet hell I think I may be yelling at the woman in front of me. She glances back but motions for me to come inside, and for the first time I step into my childhood home as an adult. Not much has changed in the rooms a few new pieces of furniture, the carpet in the living room is different. I wonder if my stuff is still in that little back bedroom upstairs or did they get rid of it all out when I left – – throw it out like they threw me out, like it was nothing more than trash, clutter taking up space in their life.

My mother flutters around the room straightening brushing away invisible dust my father sits in his normal chair and motions for me to have a seat on the couch. I sit but I'm guarded watching his every move I do want to get into a fight with him right now I couldn't when I'm still not a hundred percent. My mother offers me a drink and I shake my head no, and awkward silence fills the room and I find myself looking at the pictures on the wall. Smiling faces stare back at me happy family photos nothing but bullshit. Finally my anger is rising, I turned to my father for the first time truly studying him. He looks old beyond his years run down, his hands shake slightly I'm sure in effects of years of alcohol abuse. I briefly think that even in my condition I could take this man he was no longer the monster from my dreams. "Why do you have pictures of me on the wall? You kicked me out of this family a long time ago, and trust me I'm not here to become part of it again. I have my own family now I just need a few questions answered."

"Your mother chooses to keep those pictures on the wall, I believe she thinks one day we will all be one big happy family again. I told her several times that will not ever happen, I heard your questions you want answers you won't like them. You were a difficult child, and even harder teenager, you never knew when to keep your mouth shut Phil. You inserted yourself into adult affairs that were none of your business. I don't see how you can say that we loved your brother more than you, I think you need to realize that you were two different people and we treated you the way that we needed to treat two different people. You didn't need as much from us as he did, you were always very independent where he was not. You chose not to be a part of his family, you chose not to come home. I hope you have a great life, but your mother and I are fine without you. So, show yourself out I'm going back to bed it's ridiculous that you would wake us up at 3 AM in the morning for this conversation." His words just piss me off more and when he stands I stand. I'm in his face before I even realize it and I shove him backwards.

"I'm not a child or teenager any longer, you cannot just dismiss me because you don't want to deal with me. I think you are the scum of the earth I think you are the worst father! You think because you're the head of the household; because you're the man of the family you get to beat on anyone you feel like beating on well guess what I'm not a scared little boy anymore. I will beat the shit out of you, and I won't feel guilty about it. Not only should somebody start bullying you, they should make your life a living hell like you made mine." He grabs a hold of my shirt and we are nose to nose and I'm not backing down. My mother tries to get in between us, the moment she does this my father shoves her out of the way and all bets are now off. We are exchanging punches and I actually have the upper hand, I allow my mother to pull me off only when he's a bloody pulp on the ground. I spin around on her, I would never hit her yet I have a desire to grab her and shake her. Instead I stormed to the wall of photos beginning to pick one up after another and smash it to the ground. When I'm finished with the photos, I rushed up the stairs to the little back bedroom, as soon as I step inside it's like a time warp. All my stuff is still there, the same places, old posters, dusty comics, clothes across my bed. I stared in shock taking it all in, a shrine to me? I can hear sirens in the distance, most likely my dad has called the cops on me getting arrested wasn't really on the agenda. I quickly stepped out of the time warp and head down the stairs, my mom grabs my arm before I'm able to leave.

"You need to know none of this was ever your fault, he is an angry man and I'm a fool. I have always loved you, I will always love you. I'm proud of what you're accomplishing, I hope one day maybe we can have a relationship but it's not safe for you to come here." I nodded and she pulled me into a quick hug before going to open the door, I think she's trying to get me out of here before the cop show but it's too late. The blue lights are flashing in the yard so I stand in the foyer and wait. My mother never defends me to the cops never really speaks at all. So I'm not very surprised when I'm arrested, this is so going to put a damper on any plans I had.

* * *

The officer leaves me in front of the phone so I can make my one phone call, I wonder who the hell to call. I finally pick up the black receiver, dialing a number that is very familiar when the operator asked my name and I respond with Punk. Then there is silence for several long moments I am sure that he declined the call until I hear his voice on the other end. "Punkers why the fuck are you in jail?" Colts voice soothes me, he doesn't sound angry just concerned. I'm not a big fan of being arrested, as a teen I get in trouble a few times but I'm not a teenager anymore and this could have real consequences.

"It's a really long story, and one I'd rather not get into over the phone. Can you just do me a huge favor and come bail me out." I am met with silence again and really hope there's not a time limit on this call. I hear what sounds like some sort of scuffling in the background and wonder what's going on.

"You have so got some explaining to do, colt will be down very shortly to bail you out. He's not very happy with you right now though; you've been ignoring his calls and texts all evening and now it's almost 5 AM and well he's been going out of his mind with worry. On top of that of all people in the world Raven called him and said that you were okay. Now you're in jail I can't wait to hear the story!" Of course he had to be with Ace now everyone is going to find out about this. I'm glad Colts on his way, but why did Raven have to call him, now this is just going to be more trouble. I moved into a holding cell and all I can do is wait count the seconds the minutes stare at the very boring wall. When the officer finally leads me out to be released a very tired looking colt is standing in the waiting area. After retrieving my stuff and signing some papers I walk over to him, he doesn't look happy, or amused. Normally him bailing me out of jail would be never ending stream of jokes instead he is silent as we make our way outside. I turned to face Colt in the cold winter Chicago air.

"I'm sorry I know you want answers and I will give them to you, can we just get home first? I promise you the answer will not be as bad as you think they are going to be, in fact you may even find them amusing or good for me may be us." I tried to read his expression as we head to his car, I slide into the passenger seat staring at him hoping for anything. A reaction of any type would be better than the stony silence I'm getting, his hands clench the steering wheel his knuckles turning white. He turns to me suddenly anger written all over his face I think he's about to speak yet instead his lips are suddenly on mine. There is nothing gentle about the kiss, his mouth is demanding and I give in tongues battling, teeth biting my lower lip, and hands pulling at my hair. I snake my arms around his neck pulling myself closer to him, clinging to his body. He pulls back all too soon for my liking, reaching around me he grabs the seat belt and snaps it into place, as he starts the car we are both silent. He pulls out and we are not heading towards home I glance at him questioningly. He finally speaks I have some hope because although his voice is tired I can still hear the love.

"We are going to meet the guys for a pancake breakfast, I figure this way you only have to explain yourself once. Although you and I are going to have a talk." I nod watching him, examining his body language as he drivers, we pull up to a diner and head inside where the rest of the guys are waiting for us. I slide into the both across from Joe and Ace, Colt slides in beside me moving close so that the sides of our body are pressed together. I feel the heat and smell his scent and I sigh hoping that someday we get this right. I reach for the glass of soda in front of me taking a swig I wrinkle my nose, Coke this is why we should be at Denny's or Waffle House they have Pepsi, I've already had a shitty night and now I'm drinking Coke. Everyone is staring at me as I study the menu avoidance is become my signature move lately. The waitress comes and takes our order flirting shamelessly with Joe who seems to have a knack for flirting with everyone women under fifty, hell I don't think age even matters. When she leaves I play with the paper place mat doing the word scramble in my head. Ace reaches over and yanks in away and I look up at him.

"I got arrested for assaulting my dad, okay can we leave it at that." Three people are all looking at me like I'm crazy,I figure they may be right at this point.

"You got arrested for assaulting your dad I need more information on how this even occurred." Ace being Ace will never let anything go until he has every detail so later he can making fun of you for it, however he seems to be rather serious right now so I take a deep breath.

"I went home to confront my parents, it didn't turn out well I essentially got blamed for my parents treating me like shit, and my dad decided to push some of my buttons so I kind of lost it and we fought, then I may have destroyed the living room well at least the happy family photos that were scattered around. So I got charge with assault, and vandalism I think. I guess I could do some jail time for this since I'm not a teenager anymore, whatever it's not a huge deal." No one spoke and just as Colt opens his mouth the waitress reappears with our orders and stays for a few minutes to exchange numbers with Joe. We ate in silence for a while though I am just pushing the pancakes around on my plate the few bites I take sit like a rock in my stomach. I stare out the diner window watching the people it is still early in the morning but the bustle of the city has begun, people are always in a rush to get somewhere they don't even want to be. To jobs they hate, home to dysfunctional families, to empty apartments that have no joy, people who are doing the walk of shame, or trying to remember where they left their car after last night binge. I sit with three people who love me unconditionally and are up right now because they care about me but in reality I have become one of the crowd that is mindless going through the motions, but never expressing real emotions. There is this lump in my throat, and emotions that are under the surface of my skin waiting to explode and I just want to scream. For so long I have lived in this place of anger, and depression how did I forget how to be happy?

My hand shakes as I reach for the damn Coke as soon as the soda hits my lips I began to laugh, everyone is watching me as I laugh, I'm trying not cry so laughing seems like the better option. Colt looks incredibly concerned and he grabs my arm I shake my head no if he touches me the dam is going to break. I take a deep breath trying to calm the emotions that are bubbling over looking out the window again, the laughter has changed to tears but I'm trying to hide that I am sure everyone in this dive already thinks I am crazy. "somethings missing inside of me, its feels like the more I try to convince myself I'm happy and tell everyone I'm fine, the more alone I feel. I just wanted to hear them say that they don't love me, I wanted to understand why, just tell me its all my fault and maybe I can let it go but no he blames everything on me, then she has a shrine to me in the house, fucking family photos, and tells me she loves me and wants a relationship. How the fuck do I deal with that? I hate this, I hate my life it's like the only things I am able to feel is this anger, this sadness that overwhelms everything that should be good in my life. Raven, I called the man who almost killed me and damn it he has his life together more than I do and that is not fucking fair. Why does he get to apologize and be the voice of wisdom, tell me it's not my fault. How is this all not my fault it's like I seek out these dysfunctional, unhealthy connections because I can not accept anything normal or good it my life. This isn't normal, fuck...fuck...fuck" I'm rambling swearing because the laughter is gone and tears have completed taken over rand there is no way to hide them from my friends.

I push my plate away and place my head on the damn place mat. I'm trying to stop the flow of tears but I am unsuccessful, I hear soft voices speaking and then I am being pulled out of the booth and were in Ace's car before I even now I'm moving. The tears won't stop no matter how I wipe at my eyes, or how I try to calm myself it won't stop. I find myself led from the car and into our apartment, somehow I end up on the floor of all things curled up in Joe's lap. Ace is sitting beside us stroking my hair and I just lean down and place my head on his leg essentially laying across both of them. Colt is on the phone his voice low and I'm not sure who he is talking to I don't have the energy to care, exhaustion I'm sure is making the crying worse. Colt is in front of me running a cool cloth over my face and I am able to smile. "You know keeping everything bottled up until you land in jail, and then a crying mess is not okay. You need to start letting your emotions out and allowing yourself to actually feel shit. You don't have to pretend to be indestructible it does no good for any of us." Joe is stroking my hip as he talks, and between Ace petting me, Joe's stroking and the soothing strokes of the wash clothe over my face and neck I feel the tears fading, I sniffle and wipe my nose on the sleeve of my hoodie.

"I hate fucking crying" Colt chuckles and abandons the wash cloth instead allowing his finger tips to message my temple. "I'm sorry I ruined breakfast, I'm sorry I got jealous last night, I'm sorry I ran off, and I'm sorry I didn't answer my phone." Everyone just nods and keeps soothing me I think they are afraid I may start crying and although handling it well they are still a group of men who are most likely very uncomfortable with crying. "Ya know under different circumstance this could be very stimulating and kinky." I say this because one I hope it breaks the tension, and two its starting to turn that way and I need them to stop touching me. I get a completely different reaction then I expected from Ace, Joe's hand stills but Ace well he is Ace.

"Kinky huh. I bet you like kinky. I bet Colt gets to tie you up and fuck you. Oh do you use toys? I can recommend some great ones, so is Punk always the bottom or do you take turns?" I blink rapidly is Ace really asking about our sex life because that feels so wrong, My head is entirely too close to his crotch so I go to sit up, and as I do so he grabs my head and plants his lips against mine. I'm sure my eyes are huge and I try to say his name but the parting of my lips gives him the opportunity to slip me the tongue. I pull back and Ace smacks his lips, "Okay your turn Joe" I shake my head trying to figure out if this is all a very confusing dream.

"What are you. . ." I am interrupted when Joe's lips are on mine, this is almost as weird as Ace kissing me but Joe has a much smoother technique. I feel hands grab my waist and I am slid backwards onto Colt's lap his lips replacing Joe's I smile against Colt's mouth glad that his feels so right. He breaks away and I look at him, Joe, and then Ace. Ace and Joe start laughing and Colt is looking rather amused. "You guys are not funny, that's like my dad and my straight best friend trying to make out with me. Really you fuckers are so not amusing, you let them do that to me." I slap lightly on Colt's arm but I am smiling, feeling better just from the absurdness of this all. I stand pulling Colt up with me, I head to the couch and push him down sitting on his lap. I take out my phone and stare at it "Anyone know a good lawyer?" Colt smirks his lips against my neck and I glance back at him.

"already handled my uncle is dealing with it and he happens to be a great lawyer." I put my phone down on to the coffee table and snuggle into his arms.

"Thank you, I'm sure your uncle has better things to do then take on my case but I'm glad you called, though I'm surprised he is willing to help." Colt looks at me with confusion on his face.

"Lets get a few things clear here Punkers, I'm not just the guy who is in love with you I am your best friend no matter what so yes I am going to make a phone call to help you. I don't like what you did last night but we both were at fault for some of it,; I'm sorry we fought, I'm sorry for the things I said to you in anger but stop running away from me will you. My family will support you because they know how I feel about you, they know you are it for me and that someday I plan on marrying you so keeping your ass out of jail is rather important to me." I think I may actually flinch when he says the word marriage, the idea alone petrifies me, this makes me feel like more of an ass for what I am about to do.

"I love you Colt, you know that right?" I lace my fingers with his and see him nod "Umm I'm moving to Philly, I accepted a position as head trainer at the ROH school so yeah I'm moving." He is complete tense behind me and I wait; Joe and Ace are heading for the door but Colt stops them.

"Where are you two going we need to celebrate, Punk has a new job he is moving away and leaving us behind. Always knew he would be on to bigger and better things without us." Both are like deer caught in the headlights and I feel bad for them but I need to address Colt's anger right now. I swivel on his lap and cock my head.

"Hey stop that, I am not leaving you behind, we will see each other! You wrestle for ROH all the time, and I'm still going to be doing other dates like always. I'm not breaking up with you, granted I don't know how long distance relationships work but we will figure it out. I am putting some distance in our relationship but that was always my plan, we went from zero to a hundred and living together before we actually thought it through. I am hoping we can date, and do normal couple things for a while, ya know take it step by step and actually have a chance to grow together in this relationship. Learn how to fight and have amazing make up sex; and what we should and shouldn't do like normal couple get to do. I am not leaving you behind ever!" His anger has dissipated and he is studying me, he takes a deep breath.

"You want to date me?" I nod and wait "Exclusively though, no one else like who lives in Philly" Raven jealously, I should have seen that coming.

"He knows your it for me, hell told me we are soul mates. He is not going to come between us ever again that I can promise. I won't hold you to being exclusive with me, I have no plans of dating anyone else but we are going to be apart a lot so if you chose to see someone else you can but I won't be" Colt gave me the I'm crazy look and kissed me lightly "I leave Monday morning, so we have the rest of the weekend to play house. Though I do need to clear it with your Uncle leaving town may be consider bail jumping." I'm reaching for my phone to call the man when Colt stands with me in his arms. He looks at Ace and Joe and I have to laugh.

"Why are you guys still here, Punk and I need to celebrate his new job so we are going to go play house. You two should go home you look like shit." With that Colt heads to the bedroom and I can't help but giggle as Ace throws his hands in the air is exasperation.

* * *

**Thank you for the reviews, and for reading. There is only a few more chapters left in this story. Next I'm either writing a Colt/Punk raven/Punk or going back to Randy/Punk unsure of which but have ideas for all three.**

**Guest- Thank you so much for your review, I am the same way I read but never take the time to review, although since I've started reviewing lamentomori's work I find it is not so bad lol. I think there is far to little Colt/Punk on this site but the few that do it, well they are brilliant and inspiring. I love writing story's were Punk is taking care of I feel like he probably needs that in real life since he is such a prickly bastard.**

**bitter-alissa- Thank you so much for your words, I love all the stuff you write so it is such an honor to have you review my stuff. I love raven but when I write him his bad boy persona takes over often, he is just so easy to write as an asshole although I am on my way to redeeming him in this story somehow, someway! I understand completely what you mean by the need for better spacing, and punctuation I used to have a beta who helped with that but unfortunately don't know so it's just me and I am terrible when editing my own crap. I am going to try to get better at it in the future. I love a good angst fic too and most of mine that I write are filled with angst though I am determine to write at least a one shot that is happy.**

**lamentomori- You know how brilliant I think you are and how grateful I am for your reviews, so I won't go on about it again. Just know that Punk is working on getting over his angst, however its him so he will create hurdles. I am glad you like my Colt POV and plan on doing one more chapter from his eyes.**


	7. Chapter 7

Okay so here is the thing I apparently suck at long distant relationships. It's not intentional but I get caught up in what I am doing, trying to accomplish that my life takes a back seat, apparently when dating someone they want your attention from time to time. I seldom talk to Colt, we text and call, when he is in town he stays at my place and we fool around, but mostly I am absorb with ROH and taking it to another level. I cancel plans to go to Chicago more than I should and I've noticed he stops asking me, in fact the last few times he was in town he didn't stay at my place, instead electing to stay with Ace or somebody at the hotel. This morning I heard something that made my blood run cold, Colt is dating someone and it's not me. I know I shouldn't jump to conclusions and talk to him about what I heard, on top of that I told him to see other people so I have no right to be upset by this I just really hope this rumor is wrong, because if it's right and Colt is seeing Homicide then I'm losing two people in my life instead of one.

I leave the guys I am training and head off to find Gabe sending a text to Colt. _Hey I was thinking of taking the weekend off and coming to Chicago are you going to be home?_ I already have the weekend off, hell I have the whole week off I canceled everything after today I need a minute to think and figure out what I want. I knock on the office door and Gabe looks up he rubs his forehead he tends to want to strangle me sometimes but puts up with my bullshit because I know what the hell I am talking about. "Whats up Punk?" I take a seat across from him placing my feet on his desk.

"I heard through the grapevine that Raven signed on for some dates, if its true I want to feud with him." Although we had kept our relationship secret and the abuse a lot of people knew of it so the shocked look on Gabe's face doesn't surprise me. "It will be good for ROH, we have great chemistry out of the ring so its gotta transfer to the ring, and it may help put some demons to rest that we both have. Talk to him about it, or I can either way doesn't matter but I want to start it up soon." Gabe is thinking it through I can almost see the wheels turning in his head.

"Are you dating him again?"

"No, we will never go back down that road, I'm seeing someone but not him." Gabe nodded and took a deep breath.

"Fine but if either or you want out we can end it quickly." My phone goes off and I grab it as it's Colt's tone and I see he has responded to me. _I wish I was going to be home, I have dates in Boston this weekend. I'm sure you will still have a good time without me you still have your key right._ I stand waving at Gabe as I walk out, of course I have my key and is there some hidden implication in this message because I am reading one. _Yes I have my key but if you are not going to be around I'll just stay with somebody else, may crash at Chez's parents. I have court on Monday so I wish you were going to be around I miss you, I love you Colt._

He never responds to my text in fact that is the last time I hear from him that week, what I am not expecting is when I go to grab my paycheck on Friday before leaving is the card I glance at. He lied Colt is in Philly wrestling, did he not expect me too find out. Hero, Homicide and Ace are here too and I feel my anger rising I think about calling him but instead grab my check quickly and head to my car. I sit in the vehicle string at my phone I finally send a text _If you were going to lie you should cover your ass better, and if you are going to date one of my friends I wish you would have just had the balls to tell me. I'm not as fucking fragile as you all think._ I hit send and turned my phone off, cashing my check I hit the road still heading to Chicago although it is truly the last place I wanted to be at the moment.

When I arrive in the city I head to Colt's knowing he won't be there I figure there will be evidence if he is cheating on me. I try to tell myself it's not cheating, we are not exclusive but it still feels like cheating and the way my heart hurts at the thought sure seems like cheating. I let myself in and wander around trying to find what I am looking for. I find nothing at first until I go into the bedroom, the bed is unmade and two people have slept here together recently, there are clothes scattered about most are Colt's but one item catches my eye I pick up the offending item and stare at it. It's not mine, nor is it the right size for Colt. I suddenly can't breath and I just want out of this apartment. I rush out as fast as possible and drive to Chez' parents in a daze. The only thought in my head is that he never promised me anything so why does this fucking hurt so much.

* * *

I stay in the dark bedroom all weekend any plans I had went out the window, I never turn my phone back on, when Monday arrives I don't got to court I could care less if I end up in jail at his point. I remain in this room avoiding the outside world for days, Mom tries to talk to me but answer her in one word monotone replies. She is worried hell the whole family is they try to get me to come out, try to make me deal with the world but I snap at everyone. I should be back in Philly working, I'm sure the no-shows will affect my job standing but I could care less. It takes a few weeks before I decide to start dealing with life again I switch on my phone, finding a ton of messages and missed calls. I listen to the voice mails skipping over several from Colt. Gabe is worried, Ace is worried, Raven is worried everyone wants to know why I am MIA. My lawyer called a few times and I am surprised by the news, charges were dropped thanks to my mom coming forward and letting police know my father started it by shoving her and I was just defending her. I'm sure she got a beating for that, I think about calling her finding out is she is okay but don't have the energy to deal with her right now.

Text messages are very much the same, where am I, whats going on, am I okay. I leave the ones from Colt alone, I am not ready to deal with him yet. I get up shower and head out leaving a quick note to let them know I am going back to Philly. I arrive back at my apartment and finally decide to read the messages from Colt. He never responded to my accusation of lying or cheating, he did state in several messages that we needed to talk that's the universal code for I'm breaking up with you isn't it. He is concerned and loves me, call him stop avoiding people. I'm an asshole, a jerk, why do I always do this to people. He is right but I could care less, my phone rings and I answer it reluctantly "What"

"Wow you are alive I was beginning to wonder, I hear you want a story line with me so I figured we should discuss it. Want to get together Punk, talk about shit?" Raven of course the one person who is in the same city as me would have to call.

"Sure whatever you know where I live stop by when you want." I want him off the phone so I just end the call and lean back against the couch, I count the cracks in the ceiling hoping it would numb me out. It doesn't and I find myself going into the bathroom, I search for the razor blade it's been a while since I've cut and I know I made a promise to Colt but really what does it matter now. I walk back to the living room and sit down staring at the silver and cold piece of metal. I glance at my wrist and think about it, wouldn't it be easier to not be here I wonder. It would be so simple, cut my wrist and the pain would stop forever.

I bring the blade lightly across the skin, drawing blood to the surface but not deep enough to cause injury. The ruby drops rush to the surface and I feel the pleasure in the pain, I wonder if I really have given up all hope, if I hate myself enough to go through with this. The truth is I have been on the path of hating myself for so long that I'm dragging others down, Colt was the only good thing I was holding onto and now that he is gone can I live in this dark place. I slide the blade again along my skin making another shallow cut next to the first. I realize I'm crying only when the tears merge with the blood on my wrist, I wonder if that's a sign that I don't want to go through with this. If perhaps I'm not ready to die, that maybe I have something to fight for. It's too late though I have made up my mind and I bring the razor back to my wrist determined to make the cut deeper this time. I'm not able to though when a hand grabs my wrist twisting it painfully so the blade falls. A tattoo on the middle finger tells me who has me in a vice grip without looking up. He let's go of my wrist and I watch as Raven grabs my other wrist inspecting the wounds. He puts pressure on the cuts and pulls out his phone. He hits three numbers and I try to grab at it.

"I need an ambulance I just found my friend trying to kill himself." He rattles off my address and I try to process the fact that he just called the cops on me. He hands up and I try to stand intent on fleeing. He keeps me down and I struggle against him, they are not taking me to the hospital I am not crazy.

"Why did you do that! WHY? I wasn't going to hurt myself, I'm fucking fine, let me go." He gives me his bullshit look and keeps me pinned down.

"I'm not letting your death be on my hands, enough of your blood already is. I could have fucking sat here and listened to you, tried to talk you out of it, but what would happen when I leave you grab a knife and end it. Then I am left with should of's, could of's, and I refuse to have that guilt on my conscience. Stop fucking struggling or I swear I'm going to call a lot more people, Colt, Ace, Gabe, anyone who gives a shit and you know they will be here and then its oh no Punk is having a break down, poor fragile Phil needs to be fixed again, aren't you tired of it yet?" I stop fighting him I am not going to get away and his words struck a nerve.

"Yes I'm tired of it, I'm not some china doll who needs to be handled with kid gloves. I'm tired of being hurt, cheated on, and abandoned. So just let me end it all so no one can ever do that to me again." Raven laughs and sits down beside of me a firm grip still on my arm so I can't escape.

"This is about Colt right the fact that everyone knows he is fucking someone else? Tough break there but from what I understand its your own fault. You shut him out completely and didn't even try to stop him when he was pulling away. Why don't you man up and fight for him, if you did you would win in a heart beat. Instead you are having a fucking pity party, well congratulations Punk you pushed the world away and they are tired of shoving back, you win" I close my eyes and want to punch Raven but instead lean my head on his shoulder and wait. The EMT's arrive and I am forced to go with them by law they can blue paper me for seventy-two hours if they think I am suicidal and that's exactly what they do.

* * *

The first few days Raven visits me during hours that he is allowed too. They extend my hold when I refuse to talk, refuse to contract for safety. I'm actually relieved they did this because in reality I have no clue what I would do if they discharged me. It's day six when the door opens and Ace walks in flopping down onto the chair usually occupied by Raven. I stare at him swallowing hard. "Don't blame Raven I made him spill, he can not resist me when I turn on my charms, or course it helps that we are fucking." I raise an eyebrow I'm sure shock on my face.

"How long have you guys been together?"

"Long enough, this is not about me or him though. I really should pull you out of that bed and kick your ass right now." I know the threat is an idle one but I nod in agreement "This place doing you any good?"

"Keeping me safe I guess, don't really think this therapy shit helps so I guess not" He purses his lips and studies me standing. He walks over and smacks me upside the head, I grimace rubbing at the spot. "Does anyone else know I'm here?"

"Colt doesn't know a few of us do, but we are not telling him. He feels guilty enough due to your MIA act. He has tried to find you for the last few days, I believe Hero told him you were visiting Joe in California and that calmed his down for now." He retakes his seat and goes back to the staring at me, I squirm and look away. "I'm going to get you discharged, you need to help me out though let them know you will be safe. Then you and I are going on a little trip, when we are done the choice will be yours on what you do." It took a lot of persuading and me promising to not hurt myself and talking with the shrink before they release me and we are on our way.

* * *

I'm asleep when we arrive at the destination, so I follow ace inside without processing where we are. It is not until we are in the cheap hotel room that it dawns on me that are destination was Connecticut I look around seeing the beds, the small balcony, and the cheap flowered wallpaper and my heart jumps. "This is where it all started isn't it? Where he kissed yo for the first time, where you made love, where you went off the rails because you thought you weren't good enough for him. This is also the last place I saw you happy, playing in the snow with him building a lame ass snow man. Here in this place is where it all started and know you need to decide how it all ends." I nod and walk out onto the balcony, memories flashing through my head. "You are right, you are not good enough for him. Colt is loving, sweet, kind and loyal to a fault. You have manage to strip some of that away. Yet you are what he wants unconditionally, forever he wants you with all your faults and I wonder why you have such a hard time accepting that."

I sit on the cheap chair and breath in the cold night air, feels like snow and it's shocking almost a year has passed since this all began. "I've never been loved the way he loves me, never been touched, never felt so much. I'm scared of hurting him but lately it is all I do. I'm not good enough, I don't know if I ever will be. I'm scarred and broken, how do I let my darkness go?" Ace puts his hand on my shoulders.

"Easy, you just do. You don't let the past define you any longer, You refuse to be that person any longer. You let it go, and when it starts creeping back in you talk to Colt and let him make it better he can do that for you. I've seen it with my own eyes, he can sooth the rough edges for you."

"Is it really that easy, just let go and love, trust, be with him. He has already moved on what if I am to late." Ace laughs massaging the sore muscles.

"He and D have only fooled around a few times, it is not a love match. Trust me Colt feels endless guilt about it and has pretty much told D it will never happen again. It is only too late if you don't try. I'm going inside, don't freeze to death out here. Think, let go and believe in yourself for once Phil." I do what he asks, and think a whole hell of a lot. My head hurts before I come to conclusions, and start forming a plan. I rush inside shaking Ace from his sleep.

"Where is he right now? Is he in Chicago?" Ace blinks away the sleep and after gathering his thoughts nods at me. I grab the car keys and head for the door. "I am so taking your car, I will call Raven to come get you. See you later, thank you Ace." He doesn't protest that I leave his stranded, and I race to the car hoping I'm not too late.

* * *

I drive for hours and by the time I am approaching Chicago it's snowing, not lightly either. By the time I am in the city it's a white out and I have to pullover. I throw open my door and begin to walk, last time I walked in the snow I was running away, this time I am going towards my home. I arrive shivering and looking like Frosty, my hands too cold to get the key in the lock I pound on the door hoping he is alone. He is most definitely not alone seems to be having a gathering of some sort, Hero, Joe, Homicide, Raven who I meant to call really, Gabe, Chez, and Chez's mom are all seated in his small apartment, I know this is most likely about me Colt is pulling me inside peeling my coat off and wrapping a blanket around me. "Grab him some dry clothes please" he calls out and I see Joe head towards the bedroom. I can not stop shivering and my teeth chatter but I need to tell Colt to ask him. "What the hell were you doing out in this shit?' Concern is on everyone's face and I grab Colt's arm when he goes to walk away muttering something about hot chocolate.

"I...lo..ve.. " shivering through the statement I take a deep breath and say the next words as clear as I can "Marry me?" The room is silent Joe who was coming into the room with some clothes stops in his tracks.

"Okay Punkers we need to warm you up. You are obviously delirious maybe we should take you to the hospital." Colt thinks I'm not serious and I can not blame him. I reach into my jeans pocket and pull out the silver ring I had stopped to purchase, it wasn't the best ring in the world. I would get him something better when I made it big, with him by my side I am sure I can do anything.

"Not delirious, very serious, and yes very cold. It's a fucking blizzard out there, and I drove from Connecticut, Ace needs a ride by the way raven I kind if ditched him at a cheap hotel. I know I've said I don't believe in marriage, I know you have doubts that this will work, hell I even know that I'm terrible at this shit. Yet what I know more than anything in my life is I am stronger, happier, and complete when you are by my side. So I want it all with you, marriage, and whatever else comes with it. Don't expect the white picket fence life that is not my style. I've seen my darkest days and I want to go forward with you, only you for the rest of my life. Committed, together, forever, so marry me. We have shit to work on I know, hell we will still be apart some but we can and will make it work. You can live with me in Kentucky and we can come home when we have the chance. I'll travel with you when the WWE allows me too. I will put you first, I know with faith we can do this." Colt is not blinking he is staring at the ring I hold out to him and I hope this is going well I'm not really sure right now.

"WWE?" questions raven from his seat and I glance at him.

"Yes I signed a deal, don't worry we can still feud and I have some other stuff to finish up in ROH before I am leaving. Colt say something please."

"You tried to kill yourself" he states and grabs my wrist the cuts are almost healed but you can see the light scars.

"Yes, I lost all hope and hit my rock bottom, and I'm trying to let it all go. Ace makes it sound so simple just let go and everything will be okay. I hope he is right. I'm sorry but can you not blame yourself because it really had nothing to do with you. I will explain it all to you, I just would really like an answer right now." I shiver and instead of an answer Colt is getting the clothes from Joe. I growl and yank off the wet clothes handing the ring to Colt as I strip, not caring who is watching. I pull on the t-shirt and shorts which are entirely too big but smell of Colt. I turn back to him and see the ring on his finger and he is staring at it. I chew on my lip ring hoping this is a good thing, he looks at me and I rub the back of my neck. I am suddenly in his arms and his lips are against mine, his fingers tangle in my wet hair and I wrap my arms tightly around him.

"I love you" he whispers against my lips, I smile and he deepens the kiss. I pull back giving him a quick peck.

"Answer me please Colt" He recaptures my lips but his head is nodding and I think that is his answer but I pull back to check.

"Yes" he breathes against my mouth and a calmness I have never known overtakes me. There are tears once again but for once they are in joy. This man is all I have ever been looking for, a family, a home, and a safe haven. I once thought he was the rock I broke myself against, but those were my memories breaking me.

"Thank you" I whisper "Thank you for loving me" He smiles and pulls me over to the couch, he sits down and pulls me into his lap. I snuggle in feeling everyone staring but not insecure in the least. He wraps the blanket around me tighter and rubs my back gently. "Thank you for believing in me, even when I couldn't believe in myself." He leans his forehead against mine and similes.

"Always love, always" That was what this man was my always, and forever, my eternity, my hope, my faith, my freedom. At the end of the day he is and will always be my everything.

* * *

**As always thank you for reading and the reviews. To the person who left me a correction stating that Hero was the one who fracture Punk's skull, I'm sorry but no it was reckless youth on father's day 2002, in Jersey at the J Cup. He talks about it in his ROH shoot as well as on his dvd. Only two chapters remain in this story.**

**lamentomori- thank you for your review, yes my punk is very predisposed to making his life difficult, he likes to take the path with the most resistance possible if it is not challenging it is not worth it. The next chapter is Colt's POV and yes he needs to give Punk some answers and it's not going to be all wedding bells and roses yet lol.**

**InYourHomour- Thank you for your kind words!**


	8. Chapter 8

Colt's POV

* * *

I watch Punk sitting amongst his friends, the people he considers family and he is forcing a smile pretending he is okay but I can read between the lines, the ring that feels heavy on my finger shows me how not okay he is right now. My Punkers would never consider marriage, he does not agree that a piece of paper and an expensive ceremony show's commitment, hell he thinks that staying together forever is unrealistic and a false ideal. This man in my living room is acting, doing a good job but not in my eyes. He has cuts on his wrist, dark circles under his eyes that almost seem like bruises they are so deep, and he's lost weight and I can't help but feel that some of this is my fault. I want to kick everyone out so Punk and I can have a real talk but it is still snowing and no one is going anywhere though apparently people are showing up. A hard knock brings me away from the crowd over towards the door, I open it allowing Ace admittance. "No longer trapped in Connecticut?" He chuckles taking off his coat and shaking out the snow from his hair.

"Nah caught the next bus here, knew Raven was heading this way to try to get everyone together to talk about Punk. I see we are all here what did I miss?"

"A lot we've talked quite a bit before Punk showed up, but anything we may have planned went out the window when he proposed to me, apparently I'm engaged not really sure if he is going to just avoid the issues with this or talk to me later." Ace looked at the ring and shook his head.

"Damn he always goes to the extreme doesn't he. I take it you said yes despite the last few months. You can't deny him anything but I think in this case you should have said no. You need to be honest Colt and see where you end up after that. I hate your actions lately but still love you, hopefully Punk will feel the same way. I see Raven is in one piece I was worried about sending him here." I glance over to see Punk engaged in conversation with Hero so he isn't paying attention to us, Raven however is but I am beginning to think there is very little he doesn't observe.

"Your boy is fine, I am still not a big fan and think its a little bizarre but to each his own I guess. I am planning on talking to Punk about everything and the future. Did you know he signed with WWE?"

"Doesn't surprise me he likes a challenge and that will be his biggest one yet, next to you that is. Raven needs someone who can be patient and take him at his lowest. He doesn't act like it but he has been let down in life a lot and needs someone to take care of him. If I've learned anything from training you and Punk it's patient, and the need to take care of and protect people in my life. Plus he is a challenge to me, I didn't mean to start something with the guy just wanted to get him some help. Keep him far away from Punk. Although now they are sitting in the same room chit chatting so I guess that backfired. Give him a chance sober Raven is drastically different then you would think, although trust me he has an agenda for everything and the wheels in his mind never stop turning. He did save Punk's life so give him a chance." I look at Ace and although I want to point out that Raven almost took Punk's life too I don't, instead I throw an arm around his shoulder and give him a quick side hug.

I cringed internally as D went to talk to Punk. Punk isn't responding to him, in fact he may be glaring for once I can't read him completely. Punk is suddenly standing and I brace for something, anything, but instead Punk walks up the hallway and my eyes follow him, he goes into my bedroom but doesn't stay in there, the bathroom door slams and it shakes the walls. I look at Ace and sigh, "apparently he is not pretending everything is perfect, I think he may not be to happy about the whole Homicide thing, good luck with that." Ace leaves me by the door to go sit with Raven, a relationship that I will never figure out but hey they seem happy.

D looks at me and I can't decide if I should ask him to leave or go try to talk to Punk, that decision is made for me when I hear glass breaking in the bathroom. I rush down the hallway several footsteps right behind me, I pound on the bathroom door and don't get a response. Well here goes my security deposit, I kick open the door breaking the frame in the process. Punk is leaning over the sink, gripping the edge a broken mirror in front of him blood on his knuckles confirms he most likely punched the medicine cabinet. I go towards him but he looks up at me and I freeze, the look on his face I've seem for other people but never for me, so much anger and even hatred shine in his eyes. He looks past me and the look becomes darker. "How could you? You're suppose to be my friend right D? So please explain why you slept with my boy friend? Why the fuck would you do that to me?" I go to speak and Punk glares at me again. "No I'm going to get to you but right now I want to here from him, because I think he will tell me the truth before you will at this moment in time." Raven slides into the room past all of us moving Punk away from the sink and leaning against it I see this and acknowledge he is trying to keep Punk away from the glass.

"I didn't know okay, I had no clue you were together. Colt told me it was over that you had broken up with him, as soon as I learned it wasn't true I ended it. I would never do that to you Punk, I'm sorry I love you bro." Punk is silent and I am waiting afraid this is going to be bad.

"We were broken up Colt? Guess I was the last one too know I dumped you. D there is a fucking bro code, learn it. Right now D you need to leave, Ace got here somehow so you can get the hell out. Wait never mind I'll leave, that fixes the problem. I always run away so why break that pattern now right Colt?" He doesn't walk out of the bathroom though instead turning and going to lean his forehead against the wall. I hear him repeatedly whispering to himself and I think he is saying letting it go but I'm not sure. He turns back to me and most of the anger is fading but the hurt in his eyes is almost worse. "explain yourself Scot, before I do leave, just explain why the hell when I needed you the most in my life you were not there? Explain to me why it was Raven saving my life and not you. Explain how you could hurt me that deeply, and so easily I don't understand. Do you not love me? Cause it would be nice to know now before. . ." He trails off leaning back against the wall, his arms across his chest, almost holding himself protectively. I don't even know how to begin I want to give him the answers to make him feel better, yet there are no easy answers in this situation.

"Can we please talk in private? Lets go in the bedroom Phil"

"Did you sleep with him in the bedroom?" When I nod he chuckles "At least your honest about that, found his shirt in there, did you want to get caught? What does it matter if they hear this? They already know everything don't they? Hell I think I'm the only one in this apartment who was foolish enough to buy your funny, charming nice guy act. Really wish I had seen your true colors a while ago." I cringe but know I can not hold off answer any longer he is starting to lash out and if I know Punk at all the next step will be to shut down on me.

"I'm going to ask you to stop talking before you say something we will both regret. Just listen for a change Phil and let me get this out before you make a drastic decision." I hear foot steps retreating, the only one who remains is Raven and I think for a second I should ask him to leave but the look on his face tells me he is not going anywhere. I sit on the edge of the tub running my hand wearily down my face before speaking. "Look I can not tell you how sorry I am for D, or for not being there for you but I honestly thought that is what you wanted. When you left for ROH I was so hopeful for us, but then you became to busy for me. It went from talking three, four times a day to me being lucky if I got a hold of you once a week. It seemed pretty clear that you wanted out of this to me, I mean the last time we had sex was before you moved to Philly whenever I would stay at your place you were to busy or to tired to do more then kiss me goodnight. I know once again not a great excuse but I'm so fucking in love with you it scares me, I've never been in a relationship where I constantly have to fight to be with someone. Where I have to prove to them that I love them, where I come last in their priorities. I want us to be together forever, and I made some mistakes but so have you. You are so damn good at pushing people away you don't even realize you are doing it." Punk moves over and sits beside of me on the porcelain "It wasn't easy trying to move on and let you go, because that was what Homicide was, also a chance to hurt you and yes I wanted to get caught. You chose Raven to be there, again you chose Raven over me. I tried calling and texting you constantly when you disappeared on everyone. I have been going out of my fucking mind with worry, desperately looking for you and don't tell me you didn't get those messages. You chose to ignore me, and you chose him over me yet again." I hear Punk scoff and Raven chuckle and I have a desire to hit the man leaning against the sink.

"Are you done?" I nod "So I'm allowed to speak now?" again I nod and he takes a deep breath. "You went into this knowing who I am, you knew upfront that I can become very focused when I have a goal in mind. That I distant myself from the whole world when I am trying to accomplish something. Hell I've done it to you in the past, and instead of trying to talk to me you sleep with one of my best friends as some kind of revenge. Yet I don't think it's for pushing you away, or ignoring me that you wanted to hurt me, its for Raven. It's because I chose him over you that day. I left you to go to him and you haven't forgiven me for it. Sure you wanted to play the hero, take care of the bruised and broken Punk show everyone how much you care but in reality you never forgave me. I knew that going into this, and maybe I should have apologized and explained it better but I really thought when you saw how much I loved you it wouldn't matter, guess it still does so here you go. I left because I don't know how to be happy, I went to Raven over you because abuse is all I have ever known, his kind of love made sense to me. I am not a healthy person mentality, my issues have fucking issues. So I am fucking sorry for that day, for walking away but damn it Colt I love you, it has always been you and I don't understand how you can't see that. I will try to make you a top priority from now on but if you are going to be a fucking chick and need my undivided attention this is not going to work at all." It is silent for several long moments before Raven rolls his eyes and looks at me.

"Do you fucking love Punk?"

"OF course I love him" He looks at Punk and raises an eyebrow.

"Yes I love Colt" I smile at Punks response to the unasked question.

"Okay great, you love each other despite the pain and bullshit so let this thing with Homicide go and the whole issue surrounding myself, because I am way out of the picture now. Lets while we are here hash out a few more issues though. Colt want to ask any questions?" I take a deep breath I feel like we've already been through the emotional wringer and I know it's not over yet.

"Okay few things I need to finish confessing. I confronted your parents before the court date. Your dad is a fucking piece of work, and your mom well not a big fan. It didn't get physical but I made it very clear that if your mom had a backbone she would get the charges dropped. Did you go to court?" Punk is actually looking at me now, and the hurt has faded and I can see some of the love returning.

"No I didn't but she came forward and all the charges were dropped, why would you do that?" I laugh and take his non-bleeding hand into mine.

"I love you that's why and I am always going to try to protect you, plus I thought a police record could affect your dreams. I also need to mention the fact that I got into a fight with Raven and Chez, at different times and only one was physical. He healed nicely, and she got the point that she is never getting her hands anywhere near you."Punk is actually laughing and I know it is at me.

"Jealousy is quite cute on you Colt, though Chez and I have already had that talk. Anything else you need to confess?"

"Nothing to confess no, but a response to something, I know you love me, I know you have issues. If we are going to do this and try to get it right then I need to be a priority in your life, and you need to be one in mine. I am not saying you have to put me first all the time but every now and again would be fucking great, and we need to have sex, a man has needs Punk. Tell me about your wrist." Punk's smile fades and he glances at the hand I hold my thumbing caressing the scars.

"Our love got lost, and so did I. I felt like I was living in constant darkness, and I wanted it to end. At the moment it seem like the best solution, I have no clue if I would have gone through with it. I'm frightened by life more then I would like to admit, and death seemed like a peaceful place to be. You're in my blood Colt, you're my light and I lost it to my foolish pride. I gave up when I should have just gave in and called you. I'm sorry, it won't happen again." I take a deep breath and hope he understands my next words.

"I can't be everything for you it overwhelms me. I can not be your light, and your reason for living or dying. I can not be your happiness, I need you to figure out how to live for something other then me. I love you and will always be here for you but I can't be afraid to fight with you, or walk away to breath. I can't live my life waiting for you to end yours because we are not perfect and we are going to fuck up. I want to be a part of the reason you are happy, are alive, but not the end all be all. Do you understand that?" He stares at our entwined hands and looks up with tears in his eyes.

"I know that, and I'm going to try to find what you are asking me, I'm just afraid that I can't do it with you by my side and I wonder where that leaves us." I slide down onto the floor taking him with me my arms wrapped tightly around him.

"Do you really want to get married?" He laughs bitterly and shakes his head no.

"I hate marriage you know that, it just seemed like the only way to prove to you I was in this one hundred percent. To prove to myself that you loved me above everything else in this world. But the idea of marriage gives me a massive headache." I nod and smile thinking there's my Punkers, I swat Raven's legs out of the way and open one of the draws across from us I fumble through until I find a ring I'm sure I picked up at some cheap ass store, not expensive probably paid twenty bucks for it but I know the price means nothing. I find two chains sliding the ring onto one I place it around Punk's neck then do the same with the one he gave me.

"Whatever you need to do, we are and always will be best friends. These rings represent that someday when we are both ready we will find our way back to each other, but it doesn't have to be today Punk. You're in my blood too Phil, I am always going to be here for you, whatever way you need me to be. Go chase your dream, be a huge star and I will be cheering from the front row I promise. Love is touching souls Punk and you have touched mine don't ever doubt that." He clutched my shirt, his face buried in my neck and his sobs shake my body.

"I don't want to lose you, please don't let me lose you." I shake my head against his neck my own tears falling.

"You won't I promise, front row Punkers always." I hear Raven slide out of the bathroom grateful for the time alone. I hold him as we both cry, refusing to let him go yet. I'm going to give him up in the morning because that is what he needs but for tonight I will hold him tighter then I have ever held anyone in my life. At this point we are just destructive to each other, I will never tell him how far off the edge he sent me, or that I ended up in the hospital having my stomach pumped when I realized it was over. Our love is poisoning us, it is so bitter and sweet so I will let him go in the morning and be his friend once again. I just hope that I can survive the pain of watching his life from the front row, instead of by his side.

I lift him up and walk out to the living room, everyone is on the floor pretending to sleep I believe, Raven has curled into Ace and I can't help but smile. The couch is empty so I sit down with Punk on my lap, it takes some manoeuvring since he won't let go of me but I get us stretched out, we cling to each other studying each other in an intimate way that may never happen again. We kiss gently and hold on tight. When the sun begins to rise Punk glances at the window, "It stop snowing" I curse the weather it could have snowed us in for a week for all I cared then I would have more time. Instead he is standing and I watch as he changes back into his now dry clothes. He pulls on his coat and sneakers and takes a deep breath. He fingers the ring hanging from his neck. "I love you" he states and flees from the apartment before I can respond Raven following after him. For once I am not jealous of Raven just grateful Punk has a friend like him.

"I love you too" I whisper to the room and then Ace is there holding me as I sob, broken and damn does this hurt like hell. The front door reopens and he is back in the room and damn does he look pissed at me.

"You love me? So what is this shit, you claim I run away but right now you are fucking pushing me out the door fucker? Why is that, is this some weird if you love something set it free, if it comes back to you blah blah blah shit? You talk about being in the front row cheering me on, well guess what I don't need another fucking cheerleader Scott, it that is what I wanted from you I would never given you my heart. Yes we are a fucking disaster a majority of the time, but anyone with me is. I suck at relationships you know that, you've seen it first hand. What I need is someone who knows the real me and loves me despite that and I honestly thought that was you. Yet you're given up on us, I put up walls and I push people away. I self destruct often but at the fucking end of the day you are always there to make it better. I know that I need therapy, and I need to be healthier but being my friend is not going to fucking help. It's all or nothing Scott you want in my life, the be the love of my life. When I push, push back, fight for us when I fucking can't. Marriage may scare the shit out of me but I will marry you, if you need that reassurance I will fucking elope with you right now. Explain this to me, one minute we are fucking forever, the next I'm too broken for you!" Punk is screaming at me, showing more fire and passion then I have seen in months, Ace is across the room quickly not wanting to be caught in the cross hairs of Punk's anger.

"It is not you it is me Phil, I am not good enough for you. I let you down and you almost died, I cheated on you when we made a promise of forever. I am never going to be where you are, you are going to be famous and I'll just pull you down. You have a huge future in front of you and I am not part of that for you, so if it is relationship or nothing, I guess it's nothing." Punk is laughing, he is staring at the ceiling, shaking his head and laughing. When he looks back at me the anger is more intense than ever before. He grabs the front of my shirt and pulls me to my feet, though I'm on them very briefly before I am sent to my ass by a well placed punch to the jaw. I stare at him in shock the pain radiating in my face. Never has he done that to me before and I do not know how to react.

"Stop being a big fucking baby! You are too good for me Scott, never have I once thought otherwise. You didn't fucking cheat, I told you to see other people and you fucking listened to me. Are you in love with him?" I shake my head no quickly, and he smiles briefly "I didn't almost died! I am here and damn it yes Raven stopped me but I wouldn't have gone through with it. If I was going to do it the first cut would have been deep enough Raven never would have had the time to stop me. I knew he was coming and I sat there and waited for him because maybe I knew that I need to be in the hospital, that I was coming apart at the seams. But now I have too much to live for and you are only a part of that. My life is changing evolving, finding a natural peace with my self and my past. I want you there on this ride with me. Do I have a great fucking future in front of me absolutely but only if you are with me, by my side! I am happy, I realize everyone in this room doubts that right now, but everything in my life is finally coming together. I am in love with you, passionately, deeply in love with you, and I need you too understand that. If it's nothing you are giving up on a love of a lifetime, a one in a billion, if you want everything then all you have to do is let go and we will figure it out from there. Do you love me Scott?" I'm at a loss for words I want to grab what he is offering me but at the same time I'm afraid, the moment I slept with Homicide a terrible drunken mistake I let go of him. I knew he would never forgive me, but here he is not blaming me and giving me the chance to be with him forever.

"Yes I love you, I am in love with you but..." Punk glares and I shut up quickly.

"Alright then it is my turn to fight for us, to prove to you that I can do this without pushing you away. So I am going to get you an ice pack and then we are going to go buy a new bed. We should hit the gym, I'm thinking we should grab some take out for lunch I do not feel like cooking. This afternoon we will have a movie marathon and be lazy. I need to see your schedule so I can get booked on the same shows, gotta call Gabe and tell him I need some time." I watch as he walks into the kitchen confusion sinking into my veins what the hell is his plan? Why does he need my schedule, and need to call Gabe.

"Punk what the hell are you talking about?" He slaps a bag of peas to my jaw and pulls me off the floor pushing me back on the couch.

"Oh if I didn't make it clear I'm becoming your fucking shadow, until you realize I'm not going away again then I am going everywhere with you. I am planing on having you so sick of me by the end of a few weeks you will give in and be with me just to get me to go away. It's my evil plan and it is brilliant." He sits on my lap and wraps his arms around my neck and I wonder if he has completely lost his mind. He kisses my aching jaw and I can't help but give in a little. Maybe Punkers trying to prove himself won't be so bad.

* * *

The first week of Punk's so call torture is bliss, he truly follows me everywhere. He books himself on the same shows, we travel together and it is like it use to be. The one thing that is complete different is he laughs more, and smiles a lot and I notice he has a smile just for me and that causes butterflies. He tries to seduce me and I find his charms hard to reject but I do, jumping into bed with him is not on my to do list. He has to leave briefly during the second week of his plan to make an appearance at ROH to start his feud with Raven, yet he flew out the day of the show, when he gets to the airport he calls to tell me he loves me, then again at the show, then again at the airport on the way home. He texts me more times than I can count while he is gone to remind me that he loves and adores me, and for the first time I am starting believe this is the truth. Yup I've had a hard time believing it before now. I always question how he could fall for me I am so ordinary next to him, he is like a shooting star, shining and soaring and I am just Colt. Why would this man who even in his misery is perfection fall for ordinary, boring me? Yet he is forcing me to see myself differently, to break down my own walls bit by bit. Somehow in my quest to save him, he is saving me and in a simple wall that is flawless.

* * *

My no sex rule is being tested harder than ever and I am not sure if it is intentional on his part. We are watching a movie and I made milkshakes. His eyes are trained on the TV and he keeps pulling the straw from his glass slowly licking the ice cream from the object, his tongue swirling around the tip before he sucks the filling from the straw. My dick is hardening with every trip to his mouth, his tongue ring runs along the length of the straw and I want that to be me. My length to fill his mouth, yet he seems oblivious to what he is doing to me. A few drips fall on to his t-shirt and he glances down shrugging he sits up and takes off the offending article of clothing. Going back to his shake, and I have to close my eyes when I open them again he is staring at me a small smirk on his lips. Oh he knows what he is doing, and he is not playing fucking fair. He drips the straw across his stomach and looks at me with a raised eyebrow. I react instantly my mouth on his stomach sucking the ice cream and sticky skin, his taste blending with the chocolate. I lean him back onto the couch and grab his drink, I tip the glass and pour the substance down his chest to his belly button. He gasp at the cold but is soon moaning as my mouth sucks and licks my way down. His hands are in my hair and tugging gently, I glance up and he grabs the drink taking a sip and showing me his chocolate covered tongue, I lean up claiming his mouth, the milkshake blending with our tongues as we battle. I win dominance and explore at my own pace. His hands pull at the fabric of my shirt and I lean away long enough for him to rip it over my head.

Our chests come together as I reclaim his mouth. I kiss him for a while before pulling back and staring at him. "I want you to blow me Phil, then I want you inside of me." His eyes widen and I give him a small smile, I've never bottomed for him but right now it seems like the only thing to do. He pushes me back and stands taking my hand, he pulls me to my feet and leads me to the bedroom. I watch as he strips the rest of his clothes off tossing them wherever they land. He then removes the rest of mine, and pushes me onto the bed. He crawls in between my legs and looks up at me smirking, he leans down and takes me into his mouth completely. I gasp and my back arches as that glorious tongue caress me, as he bobs his head deep throating me with ease. My hands find their way back into the bleach blonde hair clenching the strands I hold him still as I pump he hips. He doesn't complain just moans and sucks harder, I am lost in the velvet heat of his mouth getting close to the edge when he pulls back looking up at me. His lips swollen, his eyes filled with passion

"I love you Scott, no holding back on me I want to taste all of you." I almost cum at his words, and I am undone when he retakes me into his mouth. My thrusts become harder, and I hear him choke a few times but he doesn't back away he lets me dominate that pretty little mouth. He moans as I tug his hair and the vibrations send me over the edge. I feel his mouth swallowing me down as I feel waves of pleasures assault my senses. I am lost in a way of bliss when he pulls back, he licks his lips slowly and then is gone, I wonder where he went only briefly before he is beside me, a bottle of lube in his hands. "are you sure?" I nod and pull him down for a kiss.

"I'm sure, and I love you too, no holding back on me either I want to feel all of you." He smiles and I am lost at the look of love in his eyes. He opens me up with his fingers as we kiss and before he is done I am fully erect and panting for more. When he pushes all the way inside me I watch him, he is above me his arms shaking as he waits for me to adjust, I realize that I do this to him. I make him burn with desire. I relax and he begins a stead rhythm, he finds my prostate and I gasp his name. "Phil fuck Phil more" He obliges me and begins to pound into my spot, I can tell he is struggling to not cum yet and I smirk. "Let go Phil, let me have it" he looks into my eyes and begins to pound into me, then I watch as his eyes become almost black as he explodes into me. He is coming undone, letting me see behind every wall he has in this moment, and I am the only person in the world who gets to see him like this. God I love this man, with this realization I explode onto our stomachs, my body clenching around him dragging a few more spurts from his spent body.

"I love you" he states and there is no doubt left in me as he collapses onto my chest and I hold him tightly. We have no energy left and he doesn't want to move, but I make him take a quick shower with me which leads to me fucking him against the glass and the need for a longer shower. By the time we lay in bed I finally understand that this is love and worth fighting for, even when he can't fight for us. I play with the ring around his neck.

"Would you really marry me?" He laughs and kisses me nodding.

"I would do anything for you and if marriage and a white picket fence is what you want then it is what you shall have. Though I may demand that I get to spray paint that picket fence from time to time." I smile and sigh happily.

"We could always have a double wedding with Ace and Raven," he shakes his head no at me his eyes widening.

"No way that relationship weirds me out, how the hell did that happen?" I shrug and laugh glad we are on the same page.

"They love each other, I guess there is truly someone for everybody out there. Phil will you marry me, I don't mean now but someday twenty, thirty years from now when we are old and retired and the world hasn't forgotten our names. Give me my white picket fence then, for now I'll take a shitty apartment in Philly, or where you end up. Hell I'll take the back seat of some car as we travel to the next show as long as its with you." He places a kiss over my heart and looks up at me blinking away tears.

"Why Scott I thought you'd never ask, yes I will someday marry you. I love you."

"I know" with this response he gives me the smile he seems to have reserved for me and I melt and somehow know that despite all of the loneliness the pain, the many breaking points it was all heading for this place. It may not be perfect, but it is as close to heaven on earth that I will ever need.

* * *

**Thank you so much for reading and sticking with this story so far. Only one chapter left from Punk's POV. This story has been an emotional roller-coaster for me so i am thinking of writing a happy Punk story next, that is if my muse will let me. My punk likes to be broody and is not happy unless he can bitch about something.**

**lamentomori- thank you for your kind words, Punk is totally masochist nitwit often! I hope that Colt explained himself well enough here, if you want him to explain anything else just tell me and I will fit it in the last chapter. The whole time I wrote the last chapter I wanted to hit him, and the whole time I wrote this I wanted to hug him. I have no clue where Ace/Raven came from but it was part of the redemption for Raven and now that it has happened I like it lol.**

**Bitter-alisa- Since your Punk/Colt story Deserving? inspired my love for the pairing it is an honor to have you review my work. My Punk can never stay happy long, even when he is happy he likes to try to screw things up so two chapters is more then plenty for his to do it in lol. Ace/Raven was a spur of the moment thing which I hope to elaborate on more in the final chapter. The pairing had never occurred to me either until it flowed out of my mind lol.**


	9. Chapter 9

I've spent the last month trying to prove to Colt that I am in this, for the long run, forever. I have smothered him with love and damn if I am not becoming the clingy boyfriend that I never wanted to be. My whole life has revolved around him, wrestling, and him. If he doesn't realize I'm in love with him now I fucking give up. I think he does, I see him becoming more relaxed, less guarded around me and he is not trying to kick me out of the apartment any longer. I am fighting for him harder than I have ever fought in my life and my persistent seems to be paying off. We are out on a date at least I think it's a date, he came home from the gym and told me we were going out with the guys and to look sexy, so is that a date if so it's very unromantic for out first official date.

I sit at the table beside of Raven, Ace is on the dance floor with Colt and Joe with the flavor of the week, day, moment whatever she is. A guy slides up next to Colt and says something, it cause a spark of jealousy and pride when Colt dismiss him quickly. We had a short conversation before coming out tonight and I promised to keep my jealous temper in check if he kept conversation with other guys short and sweet. I turn to Raven studying him, "Not drinking tonight" I ask pointing to his soda.

"Nope on the sobriety wagon, Ace keeps me on a short leash." I nod and then ask the question I've been wondering about.

"So Ace and you how did that happen? How does it work?" He smiles and takes a sip of his soda.

"Truthfully I have no idea how it happened, after that night he sent me to rehab, said if I didn't go he would get you to press charges. He came to visit me every week, called to check up on me and when I got out I didn't want to go home so he offered to let me crash on his couch. He's got a very dominate presence, and the need to take care of people so I let him, I gave him control over my very fucked up life and somehow he made it better. One night I was rebelling though and went out and bought a six-pack, well he hit the roof and slap me around a little which ended up with us in bed. It's odd I would think we are too different to work but he gives me the stability I need and the support even when I am getting down on myself. He became my friend first, then my lover and now he is more. It works because he doesn't take my shit, calls me on bull, and isn't afraid to get dirty with me when I need it." I kind of get this, opposites attract and Ace is never one to hold his tongue, or opinions. Raven needs a strong guy to keep him in place and Ace needs a challenge.

"He is very different from me" I murmur thinking out loud. Raven chuckles at this and takes my hand giving it a gentle squeeze.

"Phil don't get me wrong I cared about you, loved you even but we were a disaster from the word go. I think it works because he is extremely different, yet similar to you. He loves fiercely, speaks his mind, and doesn't back down from anything just like you." I want to feel comforted by this but the truth is part of what makes me so uncomfortable about their relationship is Raven and my history, it feels unfinished it some ways.

"He is stronger than me though, he would never let you get away with what I did. Its weird I feel like I never got closure with you, don't get me wrong totally devoted to Colt, but you were my first and that means more than I can put into words." He nods as though he understands and I hope he does I am not trying to rekindle this relationship I just want to put it to rest so it never haunts me again.

"Lets go outside and talk" I laugh but stand looking over to Colt mouthing be right back. I laugh because the last time we were in this bar we went outside and my life changed forever due to my own decisions. I lean against the car counting stars again as he smokes in silence. "Why did you take me home that first night?"

"To make Colt jealous, why did you come home with me? The answer is the truth it started because of Colt and my inability to be honest.

"To prove that I could, to break you, to play mind games. It was what I was good at." the answer doesn't surprise me only confirms what I already knew.

"Why agree to be in relationship with me if it was all to prove a point?"

"To piss Colt off, to take you away from him. To get you to give in." I nod and blink back tears did I really fall for this all so easily.

"Did you ever care about me at all? Tell me about that last night I can only remember it in flashes." He takes a deep breath and looks at the stars himself.

"I fell for you hard, and the jealousy was real. Before I tell you what I can remember I was very high, did you ever care about me?" I think about this and smile a little.

"Yeah of course, I fell for you. Just not in the same way I love Colt, he fixes me when I feel broken, you just tore me apart and fed on my insecurities to make yourself feel better. I allowed this because it felt normal. I made things worse for both of us when trying to be with you but not being able to let go of Colt, he was always a ghost in our relationship." He reached over and takes my hand squeezing gently.

"Ghost or not I never had a right to hit you. That night was extreme and I lost control, I broke into Ace's and beat the living shit out of you after you confess to being with Colt. You got away from me and into the kitchen where you got a knife. I should have left but I followed you, seeing you curled up on the floor obviously to weak to fight me off, you could barely hold the knife. I remember you stabbing me in the arm, I tried to rape you. You were screaming and broke my nose, I blacked out not to long after I know you got away and I wasn't able to finish the attack." He holds my hand and finally pieces are falling into place, I couldn't remember the attempted rape my mind wouldn't let me and now that I do I feel anger rising.

"I fucking hate you" I hiss and damn it I mean it from my very core "I hate you and who you were, I hate that it went that far, that I almost died because neither of us know how to be in fucking relationships. I hate that you hurt me, I hate that you thought you had a right to betray my feelings, our love like that. I hate that you are with Ace and not me. I hate how easy it is for you to be with ace when it was always so complicated between the two of us. I hate it took falling for you to make Colt come to me. I hate that we started on this path with lies and deception. I hate so much about all of this that it is hard to love you. So I'm going to let go of this hate I have for you because if I keep carrying it with me then everything I have with Colt will be tarnished, by the poison you injected in my soul. Hating you is exhausting, its consuming, caring for you is easier so I'm going to care about you. We are friends Raven, as long as you never break Ace's heart then I would beat the shit out of you old man. Trust me I could and have a desire to do it right now." Raven lets go of my hand and stands in front of me, it seems he wants to say a lot instead he gives me a light hug.

"Hit me" he states and I shake my head at him. "Hit me Phillip as hard as you can, a free shot. Hit me for all the times you wanted to hit your father, for all the times you didn't defend yourself against me, unless you are too weak hit me." I clench my fist unsure if this is a good idea I may not stop once I hit him. "Pathetic Phillip can't even take a free shot when it's offered no wonder everyone always leaves you" that's it the button he needed to push. I swing with all my force and connect solidly with his jaw, he stumbles back and I grab his shirt swinging again. I swing a few more times before his shirt is clutched in my hands and I am sobbing into the material.

"Fuck you, I am stronger than you. You had no fucking right, I begged you to stop all those times I asked you to stop. It wasn't love, I wanted love all you gave me was pain. Why can't people just love me. Stop fucking haunting me please just stop haunting me!" I know it's not just to Raven I'm pleading, it's to my father, my mother, to everyone even Colt. Raven is holding me up keeping me on my feet.

"I'm not haunting you Punkers, you are doing that to yourself. Let the ghost go, exorcise them from your life and you will be so much happier." Everybody has been telling me to let go lately and I know they are right, easier said then done though.

"I'm so tired of holding on to tight, I'm so afraid I'm going to leave him broken like I do with everyone else. It's the story of my life to end up alone, broken and hollow inside. People always leave, so I leave first. How do I stop myself, how do I get off this path of hate that I've created, the path of hating myself?" Raven pulls my hand from his shirt and takes a step back and I almost crumple until warm arms embrace me and my hands find a new shirt with a scent that comforts me like no other.

"Nice shiner" I hear Colt say and I smirk at the snort Raven gives him.

"Boy can throw a punch when provoked, come on Ace let's go get a cab, I have some wounds for you to nurse and violence makes me want to fuck. So its my turn on top bitch" I hear a smack and peak out of Colt's neck long enough to see Raven rubbing the back of his head. I giggle at this and then take a deep breath about to offer to drop them off. Instead Colt picks me up and sits me on the trunk of the Monte. He takes my hand and places it to my chest I feel the heart beating beneath my fingers.

"Do you feel that?" I nod at him wondering where he is going "It is still beating, not broken and it means you haven't even begun to write the story of your life. You've only started to really live Phil, I'm going to help you get the rest of the way. From now on every page of your story is going to include me by your side. You put up so many walls, that you have had every right to erect, but with these walls people inadvertently hurt you without realizing. You want to let go, you want to know what its like to be free all you have to do is trust me. I'm sorry I ever hurt you and ever let anyone else hurt you. Phil all you need to do now is let me heal you, I will spend the rest of eternity teaching you to free fall, just believe in me ad take my hand. I love you, I love you so damn much Phillip Jack Brooks I will spend the rest of my life beating up people who even look at you wrong if that is what you need. You can't break me I promise, we darling are unbreakable together." His words have me back in tears and I want to scream, he is offering me everything on a silver platter much like Raven did, yet this time I can accept knowing there is no strings, no games, no mind fucks just a man who truly fucking loves me, and that I love with every fiber of my being. Trust him, hell even when I can't trust myself I do him, and now I want him to understand more than ever in my life.

"I trust you I hope you know that, I would tell you anything you wanted to know. Right now though you've been drinking and I think it would be better to do this sober." He leans forward and captures my lips in his and I return the kiss.

"Do you taste liquor?" I shake my head no, he just taste like Colt, my Colt. "I haven't been drinking, I know how much you hate kissing me when I have been drinking so I've decided to give it up when we are together." I get a warm feeling in my heart and pull him in for another kiss, a deep kiss that is interrupted when I shiver against him, it is winter in Chicago and I've been outside for a while. Colt scoops me back up and opens the car door placing me in the back he climbs in and pulls me into his arms rubbing my back gently. "If you trust me then tell me about your childhood, because the few details I know only explain the distrust and self loathing a little not to the extreme you take it." I sigh and settle into Colt's arms.

"Ya know when Raven put me in the back seat at this bar I had a helluva lot more fun then this. My childhood sucked Colt, I've told you this my parents adored my brother and I was the forgotten child most of the time. My dad was drunk, my mom was in denial or having the shit kicked out of her and my brother was the perfect child he could do no wrong, and everything I did was wrong." I could feel Colt studying me so I took a deep breath. "I was actually glad to be ignored most of the time it's when they noticed me that my life went to shit. My dad didn't beat on me near as often as he did my mom, it was more the emotional, and mental abuse that he threw my way, and to please him and stay in his good graces my mother would participate. I was always fat, ugly, pathetic, worthless, anything you can think of they would spew at me. My mom usually enforced the abuse he would throw at me when he was drunk. If dad decided I happen to be fat then my mom wouldn't let me eat I'd have to sneak food when she wasn't looking, or eat more at school to make it through the day. Neither of my parents should of ever had kids, they both suck and my life was a living hell. Sometimes I feel like time has frozen and I'm still stuck in that place where I am a skinny, starving punk kid who just wants his parents to love him. I can almost smell the alcohol pouring from my dad's breath, or hear the echo of my mother's words I think that is why I tried to confront them, to prove that I was stronger now, that I was a scared child looking for approval it backfired on me though. Mt room is the way I left it, and the happy family pictures put me right back into that place. I wish that I could prove to them they didn't break me, but being broken is the story of my life." Colt kisses the side of my neck and holds me closer, he doesn't speak and I'm glad I need a moment I hate admitted to being weak and I seem to be doing a lot of that lately. He finally pulls away from me and slides into the front seat starting the car, I cock my head and give him a questioning look.

"You are a lot stronger than you realize and I'm going to help you believe that tonight." I wonder what he has planned but decide to go with the flow. Maybe he is right and by morning I won't feel so powerless. I know where we are heading before we arrive and my body is tensing I want to tell Colt to turn around that this wasn't a good idea instead I just watch out the window as the streets become to familiar and think of the times I use to ride my bike along then praying for a way out. When he pulls up in front of my childhood home my heart begins to beat harder and I want to run. Colt gets out pulling me behind him, I look at the Christmas lights decorating the yard, it makes it all look warm and cozy instead of a living monument to the hell I've been through. Our feet crunch in the snow as Colt drags me to the door and begins to pound on it, not pausing or stopping until it is flung open and my father stands in front of me. Yup should of run I think, my dad is drunk and weaving on his feet. Colt just pushes past him dragging me up the stairs to my old bedroom when the door opens I once again feel that time is frozen. Colt looks around and smirks "very you, nothing in this room surprises me under different circumstance I would throw you down on this bed and fuck the hell out of you." His voices grounds me and I look around, between the sports memorabilia and punk music posters it is very me. "Destroy it, pack it up, throw it out the window I could care less, but don't leave here and feel like you are still trapped in this room. I'll be in the hall dealing with your parents."

When he walks out I want to tell him to not do anything that would get him arrested, but he is more level-headed than me so I know he won't. I look around and take a deep breath deciding on a plan of action. Going to my closet I find and old duffel bag and throw a few items I would like to keep inside, the foam finger from my first cubs game as a child, the ticket stub to my first concert, an old sweatshirt that I wore all the time. I stand in the middle of the room and wonder if they ever found my hiding place. I slide the dresser over and slide my fingers along the floor until I find the loose board I pry it up and look inside, the tin cookie container is still there, I lift it up and open the lid. Inside is some old photos, pictures of us as a family when I was very young before Dad began to drink, pictures of friends, pictures of my first girlfriend. The most important thing though was the money, almost five thousand dollars and a old worn map. I had planned to leave long before I was forced out, had been saving to go, the map of the country was worn from the times I had stared at it imagining all the places I could go to. I close the tin and place it in the bag, thinking how funny it is that my whole child hood was in this room but what I wanted to take with me couldn't fill a duffel bag.

_Destroy it_ echos in my mind and I let the rage slowly fill me, I reach out and began to rip the posters of the wall, throwing everything I could get my hands on that would break. I tip over the dress and kick holes into the old wood, I don't stop until I know they can not put it back the way it was. I then grab the bag and fling open the door, and there is the cool, calm, level-headed man I love with my dad in a head lock. I stop and blink looking at Colt "Whatcha doing?"

"He threatened to call the cops so I'm just having a conversation with him about why that would not be advisable for him. Your mom is much more reasonable she went to make hot cocoa." I roll my eyes at him and shake my head poor gullible Colt.

"She went to call the police Colt, the women couldn't make hot chocolate is her life depended on it. Let him go I'm done here, there is nothing left I care about in this house." Colt releases my dad and we head to the stairs, I'm behind Colt and my father is hot on my heels. He grabs my arm and spins me to face him, I easily grab his wrist and apply a pressure point hold bringing him to his knees. "Don't ever touch me old man. I need to make something very clear to you, you are not my family, you are nothing to me. I don't care if you are dying don't call me, don't come near me if you see me on the street cross to the other side to avoid me, because the next time I see you I will kill you. I'm not a child, you can't hurt me anymore but I can destroy you and will if I need to." I release his wrist and walk down the stairs to Colt.

My mother is in the living room with the phone in her hand, "did you call?" I ask and she shakes her head no and I reach into the bag finding the money I walk over to her. "I know that despite it all, in your way you cared about me. Your caring just got twisted in his hate so I am going to give you a chance one you never gave me, get out before he kills you. Goodbye mom, I hope you find your way." I press the money into her hand and kiss her cheek gently before turning to Colt. He pulls me close and kisses me gently. I hear my father hiss something about fagots and smirk deepening the kiss. "Gay and proud, may even be the grand marshal at the next pride parade I'm sure you'll be there to support me" Sarcasm drips from my mouth and Colt laughs as we walk out of the house hand and hand. I pull the door closed behind me and take a deep breath, the taste of freedom on my tongue as for the first time I feel no ties, no responsibilities to the house behind me, it's just wood and nails a shell that was once a home.

"Any other plans to repair my life tonight?" Colt nods and leads me back to the car, I slide in and look over at him as he settles behind the wheel.

"One more place to go Phil, this was not part of the plan, however I did have one at the start of the date and I would like to finish this night on a high note." Okay so it is a date that kind of sucks, I have spent most of it angry or in tears I wonder how he is going to salvage it. We pull onto Addison street and Wrigley Field loom ahead. I glance at him as he pulls in the security guard waving him inside. He climbs from the vehicle once again pulling me behind him. Walking over to a door he knocks lightly and I am amazed when it is opened and we are admitted, Colt shakes the hand of the guy who let us in, telling me he's known him for a long time and is helping Colt out tonight. I just nod and follow Colt along a hallway.

I gasp as we emerge onto the field, the lights illuminate the place as Colt leads me to the pitcher's mound. I turn in a slow circle taking in the empty bleachers, the silence of this place amid the busy city. He did this for me, wanted to make a dream come true. Being on this field where the legends have played, where my hero's have won and lost but always with pride I feel the strength of this moment, the love of the man beside of me watching every move I make.

"Thank you" I whisper and I can feel him nod "You have no idea what this means. . ."

"I do, I know you Phil, I may not always be able to read you, but I know you sometimes I think more than you know yourself." I have to agree with him there, he know me just like I know him.

"Someday I am going to throw out the first pitch, or sing the seventh inning stretch song here. I'm going to make it all happen Colt and I am so glad you will be by my side not in the front row cheering me on. Best date ever Scott, you are so going to get lucky tonight." He laughs and I just take it all in.

"Don't forget we can not be up too late we have to head to OVW territory to find a place to live in the morning. I don't know about you but I would rather not be homeless" I smirk and wrap my arms tightly around him, he has agreed to come with me, help me live my dream, while I support him chasing his. We will have times when we are apart but now I know that they will be short and our love is strong enough to exist even with space between us.

"I remember, how can I forget the start of a different life for us soon. Tell me Colt how do you see out future?" He laughs and kisses me gently.

"Together silly, our future no matter what is together." There it is what I've always wanted someone I could count on, trust, love, and believe in a future with. I can be anything now, as long as we are together. He saw through the bullshit, the lies, the hurt and still found me, loved me enough for the both of us. He altered my path is life, merged our roads together and I am just a passenger now; so is he though neither of us want the driver's seat we are just along for the ride and although the road may not always be smooth, it will be ours together.

"I love you my heart is yours" I proclaim to the empty seats, having no doubt that someone day I will yell it to the world. I would normally add to this statement warning him that my heart if fragile and easily breakable and he needs to be careful. I don't add these words though for I know he will always cherish my heart and never will it be broken again.

"I love you too Punkers, my heart is yours" We walk towards the exit, towards the future, towards forever and I am happy, truly peacefully blissful, my world is blessed by the man beside me. I have finally found my forever home in his arms.

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**Thank you so much for reading, this is the end for now but a may do a sequel in the near future. I hope you all enjoy the path of this story.**

**lamentomori- Your reviews kept me motivated to continue this so thank you! Raven being the all-seeing eye I think fits in with his personality I think there is very little the man misses when he is clear-headed. No I haven't ever ventured into top!Punk before so I am glad you felt I did it justice. Hopefully Punk will stick this relationship out lol.**

**bitter-alisa- Thank you for the shout out to the person who keeps correcting me, this is driving me crazy because as you said it is fanfiction so who cares about accuracy of events. I'm not sure I fully explained the Ace Raven relationship but my Raven muse wouldn't fully tell me, maybe one day soon he will give me a nice one shot to explain it all. I normally dislike Top!Punk it just doesn't fit in with my image of him but thought that this story needed the connection that came from this moment. Thank you so much for the inspiration and can I say I want more Pavlov's syndrome I love that pairing!**


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